A better day all round

Today was indeed a much better day all round. Raina was much more cooperative and less defiant from the moment she woke up. Mummy Ruth and Raina went off into town to run some errands whilst I vacuumed the house and mopped the floor (glamorous - I do know how to have fun). The three of us met up for lunch and Raina demolished her fish fingers, chips and peas followed by ice cream. Raina is really into her food; she is very often asking for food and can get quite distraught when she doesnt get any straight away. Raina's weight was discussed at the matching panel and the information provided by the LAC medical advisor was debated by the members of the panel for a good while. (she is apparently in the 98% percentile) One panel member suggested that Raina may be comfort eating to cope with her traumas (eating disorders and difficult food relationships are apparently quite common amongst adopted children). She is a pretty big girl; but she doesnt look fat the way some children do!!! Both Mummy Ruth and I have noticed independently that we both thought her stomach looked to have got a bit smaller in the week since she has been here, not that we are making her diet to loose weight.... Just making sure she gets a healthy varied diet and snacks. We are expecting a call from the Health Visitor tomorrow to arrange a check-up and weigh in for our little prize fighter. The SW is keen to know regular updates on Raina's weight and we are due to meet for the first LAC review next Thursday. Raina was getting crisps and chocolate on a regular basis at the FC and we have completely reduced this since she has been living with us. We are also trying to keep her active and today we went to a large indoor soft play centre, which she loved. We also took her to the doctors today. Raina has some marks on her body (arms, legs and tummy). When her SW came to visit the other day she noticed them and we all had a good look together. We told her that we had asked the FC about them ourselves and she had told us that Raina's birth parents had not used sun cream on Raina when they were having contact and she had been sun burnt. The SW was surprised about this. Today we took Raina to the doctors to check it out. The verdict is that she has Hyperpigmentation, which may be skin damage due to exposure to the sun or possibly caused by another skin condition. He said it was nothing to worry about and no permanent damage. On another good note, Raina had exzcema when we met her and this has all cleared up since she has been living with us. We tried to make bathtime and bedtime a bit later tonight, so we can slowly change her routine a bit. Ideally if we can get her into a routine of waking a bit later and gong to bed a bit later it'll really help when I go back to work. At the moment, the current routine would mean that I would miss dinner, bath, story and bedtime every night. That's not a good prospect. Thanks for great day Raina!!!

Tears and tantrums

Raina woke up at midnight screaming. When Mummy Hannah went into Raina's bedroom to look in on her, Raina was out of her bed (first time this has happened). She did go back to sleep and woke up again at 05:30am. After some tag-teamed Raina supervision, Raina and Mummy Hannah had breakfast at 7am. Raina was more challenging today from the off. When I told Raina it was time for the toilet, she refused (normally, she will come trotting along to go to the toilet when asked). She refused point blank (gave her a second chance - this was also refused)so I carried her to the toilet. Cue melt down. Raina was very upset, she was lashing out and said "for F's sake!". I asked her to repeat but Raina did not; she must have realised from the tone of my voice that this was not to be repeated. I left her to calm down for a few moments, then followed a "sorry Mummy", the explanation from me about why she needed to do as I asked and then another sorry and a hug to finish off. We took Mummy Ruth into town and dropped her off (admin tasks were visiting the Job Centre and sending the Child Benefit application off recorded delivery) I took Raina to the park for a while. We were the only parents and children in the park as it was still quite early. We had fun together and it was all going well. Then Raina decided she wanted to run off. I asked her to stop and she kept running. I asked again (firmer voice), she kept running. Repeated request and she turned around to look at me and stopped (briefly) then carried on. Needless to say when I caught her up, I put the reins back on her and told her we were leaving the park. Cue meltdown. Eventually she calmed herself down, said sorry and tantrum was concluded. When we got back to the car Raina and I had a good chat and she said "Nana's house?". I explained we weren't gong to Nanas house (Foster Carers mother) and we sat together and talked about the rest of the Foster Family. She asked for the photos we have of them and I told her that I would get them for her when we got home. I confess I was a bit tired out; so I drove the extra long way home in the car because it kept Raina calm and quiet for a bit. I neednt have bothered as once we got home, Raina was due a toilet visit. Cue identical melt down to this mornings - swearing included. Eventually she calmed down and all was well. This afternoon we met up with Mama (Mummy Ruth) and we all went swimming together for the first time. This was a lot of fun and Raina seemed to really enjoy it, as did we. After swimming, Raina and I went home together and Mama went off for an appointment at the hair dressers. The afternoon was one long series of melt-downs; Raina is clearly very angry with us for leaving her Foster family and I really felt her anger today. I know she feels guilty when she does things wrong; but doing something wrong gives her a chance to let rip with tears, shouting and screaming (which must give her some sense of release). We both just use the same technique of waiting for her to calm herself down a bit and then having a hug and explaining what aspects of her behaviour are naughty and why. She says sorry and we hug. Move on. Raina asked me about her Birth Daddy today (first time she's asked) and I explained that he lives somewhere else and that I am sure he misses her. She likes looking at the photos of the Foster Family and going through everyone's names. I also think this got a bit much for her today as she asked me to take the photos and put them away from her. Raina asked to speak to her FC on the phone again. I explained that we could do this but not today..... Tonight we debriefed together and analysed what happened and why. We are so thankful we have each other; not sure how single adopters cope without having that other special person to share this stuff with and to help each other. Each time Mama came back to us she spoke to Raina about her behaviour especially the toilet avoidance and swearing. She also backed up whatever I said to Raina out of her prescence - that way Raina sees that we are an open talking family. Hopefully encourages her to talk about her feelings. Bring on Todd Parr. Raina was exhausted by bedtime and I'm not surprised!! We are looking forward to tomorrow and a new day!!

Tired and emotional

Today Raina's SW came around to our house for the first LAC visit. Raina seemed surprised to see her at the door even if we had told her so many times. I think that she is someone who Raina has come to know quite well (unlike other children in Care, Raina has been fortunate enough to have kept the same SW the whole way through) but it must have been like old life and new life colliding! The visit went well; the SW seemed happy with everything. Our next LAC meeting is next week and we have them weekly for the first month and after that, visits reduce to once every three months until the Adoption Order is filed. We had also arranged for Raina's FC to call today to speak to Raina. We felt that Raina might benefit from speaking to her, even though she's too young to make sense of what's happening, we felt it important that Raina knows her FC is ok. The conversation went well. At the end of it, Raina went into Mummy Hannah's arms for a cuddle. The next two hours it was as if someone had switched her bad behaviour button to 'on mode'. She had melt down after melt down and Mummy Hannah even over heard her saying something that sounded distinctly like the F word. Oh my. We had a good chat (well, she's only 2 so Mummy Hannah did most of the talking.....) and after that she did seem to calm down and her behaviour improved. I explained to her that these times are hard and reassured her that it was okay to be upset and that everyone loved her. I asked if she understood and she said 'yes'. Again, how much she really does understand we can't be sure of, but talking about it did seem to help and we take that to be a positive sign for her ability to be able to cope with emotions in the future. A big day when your only 2 and have only lived with your forever family for 6 days. X x x

These shoes were made for walking

Today we took Raina into town to do a spot of shopping.  Where-as once our shopping list would be a selection of items for ourselves; todays list was totally Raina-centric:

Pull up's (Raina)
Swimming nappies (Raina)
Sun hat (for Raina)
Sun glasses (for Raina)
Swimming costume (for Raina)
Sandals (for Raina)

It was a succesful trip.  To buy the sandals, a lady in a well-known department store (with a well-known shoe outlet in it) asked us what size Raina's shows were.  We said we didn't know and picked her current shoes up and had to read the label (bad parent alert).  Turns out she is 7.5 and the width is G (this is like a new language to us)  This meant nothing to us, but the lady says "her feet are quite broad aren't they?"......ummmmm "yes" (if you say so). We asked her how long she thought the new sandals would last her.  She replied by asking us how long ago we had bought her the shoes.....silence.  Mummy Ruth (lies) convicingly and takes a stab in the dark and says 4 months.  I gauged her response and by her facial expressions she seemed to buy it. She then asks us "did she have a growth spurt just before you bought them?".....silence.  We both say "yes".  Phew....I think we got away with it.

The thing we are realising about becoming a family through adoption is that there are these funny moments; odd places; minor details that you just don't know and have no answers for. Then again, I think that also; like all parents, we just have to make it up as we go along.

Hannah and Ruth

The curse of the hair wash....

Our daughter is dual heritage and has light brown curly hair (very cute). You only have to look at it for 5 minutes and it's knotted. This morning Mummy Ruth took the bull by the horns (and the child by the head) and tackled the first hair wash. Oh my gosh. I have not heard Raina scream so much before. In fact, I didn't know that people that little could make that much noise. She wept (chin wobble) in the bath and I decided it was best for me to leave the bathroom so she didn't feel like we were both ganging up and tormenting her. Ruth managed it well; washed and conditioned and combed the hair and then used a leave in conditioner. We have been using the leave in conditioner on her hair every morning since she moved in and think that washing her hair as infrequently as possible is best but today was definitely time to be washed. Ruth thinks its payback for all the Sunday hair-pain that her own Mum inflicted on her!!!! Throughout the day we have been gently combing her hair through with our fingers to ease out the beginnings of any knots but I am dreading the next hair wash and in true parenting equality; I have been told that it's my turn next. I'm so glad Raina and I have got Ruth to guide us; having European hair means that I have missed out on a whole other world of hair related products, routines and techniques - although I've learnt a lot being with Ruth for the last 5 years. Wish me luck!

Lots of joy...

Raina woke up last night and was crying, Mummy Hannah went in and comforted her and she went off to sleep again.

This morning she was full of beans and for the first time in this process, we both woke up feeling rested and not tired. We went on a family trip to a local 'poor man's zoo' (Ruth's definition)and Raina loved looking at the 'manimals' and riding on the little electric train. The heat of the sun really wore her out and she had a nap in the car on the way home. The afternoon was spent playing together at home and she is really bringing us both real joy; she's such a character and a real comedienne. Today she has been saying 'Hannah pronounced Ya yah' a lot and our current approach is to gently correct her and say 'Mummy'. Sometimes she carries on saying Hannah afterward; we wait and after a few moments she calls 'Mummy'. Hopefully she will feel she can call Hannah 'Mummy' all the time before too long. We know that she doesnt know what Mummy means ; it's just a word to her at the moment. Start as you mean to go.

Tonight she went down to bed and did not cry at all. Are we being lulled into a false sense of security? Maybe; but for now we are thinking this is a good sign.

Hannah & Ruth

A great day!

So today was the first time Raina had woken up in her new bed and in her new home with her forever family.  She slept quite well last night, although she woke up at about 2am screaming and we both leapt up. Mummy Ruth went in to comfort her and moments later she was asleep again. She woke up in the morning at 7am and was fine.  This morning we took a walk to the doctors surgery to register Raina.

We have had a great day - lots more cuddles and kisses (and some quality tantrums). Raina is really into some of the 'theraplay' activities suggested for encouraging attachment. and it seems to have been initiated by her which is nice.  Raina and Mummy Hannah have been playing with a blanket today; she sits underneath it and cries "I'm scared!" and Mummy Hannah says; "It's okay, I can find you - I have got you" and then they hug.  This happens a few more times.  Raina likes to be wrapped up in the blanket and Mummy Hannah or Mummy Ruth coo's over her; "Oh, look at my baby!, she's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen." Raina is obviously comfortable with us as she looks into our eyes as we craddle her in our arms and looks to be lapping up the attention.

She is almost constantly asking for food, so we are having to try and distract her from it when she gets her heart set on wanting something.  We are keeping an eye on her; making a list of the foods she likes and those she doesn't seem to like. At the moment the latter list is very sparse.  The only way you know she doesn't like something is by her funny facial expressions; she still eats it.   There was discussions at the matching panel about Raina's weight and some suggestions were made by some panel members that she was comforting herself with food to help her manage her traumas. All we can do is continue to keep a routine and a balanced diet and the promotion of attachment to us as her new carers.

We also called the FC today, just to let her know that Raina was okay.  She was really pleased to hear that she was settling in okay but said she was really missing her.  Raina has been dropping the foster family names into conversations quite a bit so we are thinking about what is best for her.  We do encouarge her to talk about them and we have photos of them for her to look at.  We think she may need to speak to her on the phone soon to let her know that the FC is okay and we definitely know we shall be meeting up in the future to help Raina make some sense of the move.


So, all in all it's going well. She went down to sleep tonight and was not distraught....remains to be seen how she sleeps tonight.

Introductions over!!!

The introductions are over. Our baby is asleep upstairs and is home forever! What a day.....We waited at the end of the FC's street; not wanting to be any later or any earlier than the agreed 10:00am. At exactly 10am we pulled up outside the front door. The FC and Raina were standing at the front door and the door was open. The FC has always told us: no long goodbyes when Raina leaves. Just in and out. Mummy Hannah waited outside in the sun with Raina and Mummy Ruth went inside to pick up the last few things and to give the FC the presents from us to them. The FC was visibly upset and was finding it all quite difficult. Raina's SW had also apparently called to let her know she was running a bit late.....This was the last thing we all needed, slowing down the departure. After a few minutes, the SW arrived and we said our goodbyes. The FC made it very brief and said "bye Raina, take care." Raina responded by mimicking back, "take care". We got Raina strapped into her car seat as quickly as possible; Raina's SW handed us an envelope (Raina's Birth Certificate and a copy of the Placement Order from the courts). We pulled away and as we drove off I shed a few tears...... We made a picnic and we all went to the local park for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Raina has been good as gold today, just the tantrums etc we have come to get used to (normal 2 year old)!!! Her confusion, grief and being unsettled is playing out through tantrums. To encourage attachment we have been doing lots of wrapping in blankets with cuddles, piggies (this little piggy went to market and to vary sometimes went to Westfield and had pork-chops), peek-a-boo, washing her in the bath like a baby, blowing raspberries on her tummy, rubbing in lotion. We had lots of fun together at home in the afternoon, lots of cuddles and cuteness. Mummy Hannah made dinner and Raina ate all of hers. We bathed her and Mummy Hannah did a quick story (Todd Parr's - The Family Book') which Raina liked. Mummy Ruth put her to bed. Raina has not slept in her bed yet so we held our breath as she started to cry. She cried for 'Mummy' and her FC for a brief time and now she is snoring away upstairs. Bring on tomorrow as it will be the first of everything for all.

Introductions - We have lost track of what the day is

4:45am, alarm goes off. Knowing that there was the light at the end of this tiring tunnel got us motivated to get up. Traffic jams thwarted our plans to get there early again and we took numerous detours to finally get to our destination. It took about 2 hours getting there. Raina was in a really playful mood when we got in. Mummy Ruth (Mama) went first and Mummy Hannah (Mummy) got the second go for some 121 interaction. Nice way to start our day together.  We decided to hop on the train and go home. It does probably seem a bit crazy to have just headed back home and not go out somewhere more local. We hadn't expected to arrive so late and we didn't like the idea of breaking the consistency by Raina not being in our house today, at least for a little while.   She was good on the train and we took a detour with Raina and test drove some buggies, finally settling on one and wheeling it out of the shop ready for action. We put Raina in it and headed home for a while. Later, we headed back to the FC's for the review meeting. Present at the meeting were; Raina; Mummy Ruth, Mummy Hannah, the FC, the FC's link SW, Rainas SW, our own link SW and the family finding SW. Never knew you could squeeze so many SW's into one room!!  We reviewed the introductions on all sides and discussed how the week had progressed from day one until now. Observations of the FC were all positive. Raina was quite playful and cuddly; right on cue, giving Mummy Hannah cuddles and kisses.  We all went around the room and agreed that it was in Rainas best interests to move to our home tomorrow and to become a forever family as soon as possible.  We agreed the next few dates for the SW's to come to visit us and they hugged us both and left. It was a great feeling.  We all went with the FC to collect her daughter from after school club together. We agreed it would be good all around for us to leave (get some rest) and leave Raina to have her last night with her lovely foster family, so we didn't stay to do bath and bed. Tomorrow the emotions will be high, sad, happy, excited, relieved and so many more I am sure.  Raina is only 2; she doesn't realise how many people's lives she has touched.  She is a blessing in our lives and we are two more people to be blessed by her.   Our beautiful little girl is coming home forever. Wow.  X

Introductions -

A combined post today; for yesterday and today.  Yesterday we left the house at 6am and drove the hour to the FC's house to collect Raina and bring her home for the day. I think she remembered everything from her trip on Saturday because she seemed quite comfortable in the surroundings.  We had decided to stay in the house for this period of the introductions so Raina can get used to her new home.  She is only 2 so getting used to new objects and paraphernalia around the place is important for building the foundations for our relationship. She is learning where things are kept; what she is allowed to touch (and not) and how our home is run.  Yesterday we played together downstairs and upstairs, especially in her bedroom. We are telling her / asking her things like "where is Raina's room?" and "where is Raina's bed?" to reaffirm things for her. At the end of the day yesterday we took her back to her FC's house for us to bathe her and put her to bed.  She was excited to see her FC and the rest of her foster family and you could tell that she is confused by what's happening.  She cried when Mummy Hannah put her down to sleep. After about ten minutes there was a bang. The FC and Mummy Hannah went upstairs and Raina wa standing there, bold as brass, having just climbed out of her cot. Mummy Hannah told her off and put her back in her cot. The FC says she's never done that before. Maybe a sign that she is aware that something is going on.   The thing with the introductions is that you find yourself so tired, ironically it almost means you can't play with the child. This is by far the most draining thing either of us has ever done.  Hannah was asleep by 10pm and snoring her head off and I was not far behind. Up again this morning at 5am and at the FC house for 7:15am. Stayed a short while then set off to drive home. Getting stuck in a traffic jam made the hour journey into a 2 and three quarters journey in a boiling hot car.  This really tested poor little Raina who got really fed up. She also knows how to open her car seat - well done Britax.  Blooming heck; so much to think about with a toddler!!! We had a good day; getting used to the tantrums!!!(wow, the joys of toddlerhood!! - you can see her getting frustrated because she can't say what she wants and relying on us to know what she is saying is a big ask!) We took Raina back to her Foster Carers this evening. The FCs eldest daughter was there with her young daughter who is similar in age to Raina. They are all very sad about Raina leaving and have given us presents and photos for Raina to look at when she wants to look at them all.  We have just put up the stair gate and need to put Rainas bed guard on her bed. She is used to sleeping in a cot and we have got her a bed; it'll be interesting to see how she settles into sleeping in her new home. I'm washing the new waterproof sheet for her bed tonight. We are advised by everyone to wash her things in the same washing powder as the FC; to help her with the transition.  Thank God it is non-bio. Tomorrow we are collecting Raina at 7:30am and will be returning to the FC's for the review meeting at 4pm. Can't believe that she has one more sleep at the FC's...

Introductions - Day 6

Today was a shorter day as the introductions planner says that Raina will have a 'goodbye party' with her Foster family this afternoon and we have been instructed to rest.

We drove down to the FC's  house and collected Raina and took her out for a few hours to a play area / large park.  We had a great few hours and she really enjoyed playing in the children's park.  This was also a great place for us to experiment with letting Raina 'off the reins'!, as there were no dangers.  We experimented with this and generally she is good; however sometimes (like a normal 2 yr old) she refuses to listen and runs off.  We are beginning to set down the ground rules and she is starting to become familiar with our expectations of her behaviour. She is responding well to us and we really enjoy her company; she is such a joyful little girl.

So now we are going to open a bottle of champagne which Hannahs's work colleagues gave us and enjoy an evening to ourselves....  There are only 3 more days left for Introductions; we can't believe how quickly the time has gone.  We both feel like we have known the FC for much longer as well, which we take to be a positive sign.  The review meeting is set for Wednesday afternoon and at that point we meet all the SW's again with the FC to discuss how the introductions have gone.  All being well; Raina comes home with her forever family on Thursday morning.

Tomorrow we are getting up early again - 5am; so tonight we shall be getting an early night!

H & R

Introductions - Day 5

Introductions - Day 5 Raina is in our house, sat on the floor happily playing with her toys and amusing herself. Mummy Ruth is upstairs and I am watching our daughter playing in her new home. The FC and her youngest daughter brought Raina over to see her new forever home this morning and have headed off to do some shopping for a few hours. This is weird and so lovely as this feels like what the rest of our lives could be like; normal family stuff.  I went to pick up Raina, the FC and her daughter from the train station. Was almost late, faffing around putting Raina's car seat in (was breaking into a sweat). Raina met me with a smile and a hug which was nice.  When we got to the house, Mummy Ruth met Raina at the door and Raina went straight into the usual routine of shoes and jacket off. She explored for about 15 minutes. She liked her bedroom "wow!".  We had spent some time yesterday adorning the house with some familiar toys from the FC's house. This seemed to really help Raina, as there were some familiar objects dotted around the place. The FC daughter came upstairs with  Raina and I asked her what she thought: she said "Raina's going to love it". Phew. The seal of approval, brilliant. Also good knowing that the FC's daughter is happy with our home and can see that Raina will have a nice house to live in and be looked after.  Raina explored all the rooms and found some clothes in the drawers in her bedroom which a friend had passed down to us for Raina. Our friend gave us a pink tutu.   Raina was desperate to wear it; she wore it all afternoon. Mummy Hannah had put in an old pair of sunglasses into Raina's toy box and she wore them most of the afternoon too!  We played, did dressing up, drawing and dancing. Mummy Hannah made everyone lunch and we sat together at the dining table to eat. We have copied a lot of the food that we have seen her eating at the FC's house; so it was Ham sandwiches all round. (although Raina said "fish!" when she examined her sandwich!!!). Pretty much a 10 out of 10 day.

'You' by Emma Dodd

We have had many gifts but this is by far the best one (but please we are happy for further attempts). http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/images/1848776497/ref=dp_image_z_0?ie=UTF8&n=266239&s=books

Introductions - Day 4

 It's midnight and I have given up and gone to bed. Ruth is still tidying and sorting out the house for tomorrow when Raina comes to see her new home for the first time. Since introductions started we have barely been at home but when we have we have certainly not felt inclined to wash up / tidy up etc..... Well today we arrived at the FC's house a bit late- we were so tired this morning it was untrue. Raina was dressed and soon after arrival we walked the FC's youngest child to the bus stop with Raina to go to school.  We feel much more comfortable walking outside now than on the first day or day two; she is getting better at following our instructions.  Everyone was so tired when we got back to the house, it became a bit like melt-down central. The FC also has a 1 year old baby and her and Raina attempted  to 'out cry' each other!  Raina wouldn't have a nap, she fought it despite everyone else wanting to sleep. By about 10:30am, it felt like it was 4pm! We decided to gather up some energy and to take Raina to the park and out for lunch.  Raina is good at getting her shoes and jacket on and likes to help her Mummies to do theirs as well. The other baby tried to get involved but Raina wouldn't allow her and said "that's my Mummy's jacket", which was very cute! It also showed us that she does understand the difference between calling someone Mummy as their name and calling someone Mummy because they are their Mother for attachment. We have learnt that children (especially young ones) call their FC's 'Mum'. This is more true for FC's who have their own children. For such a young age Raina has had so many people care for her basic needs that it is all too confusing. Poor little mite still has to move in with us and then cope with things we change to be in line with our parenting style - slowly slowly. We took Raina on the bus and the train. We are trying to put her on a toilet every 30 mins, which means we have now encountered a few baby change set-up's, some better than others - shame on you M&S!!!! We had lunch and whilst Mummy Ruth was in the toilet, Raina decided to try running off.  She threw herself on the floor and shrieked saying "ouch, get off me!". This was horrible and I started to feel out of my depth. I know she's only 2, I am the parent in that aforementioned scenario; however, it's so hard to know how to manage this behaviour with a child whos only known me a couple of days.  Mummy Ruth helped to calm (me) and Raina down. We have a routine where if one of us has told Raina off and she is not listening or she has run off to the other we do not speak to Raina first but ask the other 'What happened Mummy?'. That way we would know whether consoling her or repeating what she has been told is in the cards. There is the habit of her running to another person to try and get away from doing what she has been asked to do. So anyone out there looking after Raina please continue this.  We then spent 45mins playing in a park. Leaving the park was a lot easier than it was in day 2 so yea both of us!!  The weird moment came when we had to change Raina's nappy. It was another smelly gift for her Mummies. We asked another parent if there was changing facilities in the park; she said no but the way she saw it is if the LA can't provide facilities then just do it on a bench somewhere. We agreed so wandered off to find a bench out of the way. We were much better the second time around (being in the open air sure helped!) and it was swift and pain-free for all concerned. The weirdness of it?; as we walked away, we realised we had just changed Raina on the very same bench where we had sat with our SW during an assessment session. We had come away from that session feeling a million miles away from the approval panel, let alone parenthood. Nice moment for us both.  Another thing we realised is that the grounds is also where we met many moons ago.  For the remainder of the afternoon  we played and started talking to her about coming home to leave with us. Talking about our area what she will find to do etc. Mummy Hannah fed, bathed and put her to bed. This went very smoothly even though there was a full house of interesting people that Raina wanted to stay up with - FC's eldest daughter, her partner and little daughter.  We had agreed to continue contact with Raina's FC' family. We think they are not believing us as sometimes the FC or one of her children or even FC's brothers would ask us again and again. One can see that they love Raina ever so much. This is reassuring for us as if they were eager to move her out alarm bells would be ringing in our heads. However, it has also made it extra difficult (emotionally) to do things our way because they are so good at it and Raina knows they can also meet her needs. You just feel like you are on a test. That is why we have made sure we take Raina out as often as possible.  All in all it was  7 out 10 today. Exciting times ahead.

Introductions - Day 3

Early start for us today. Alarm went off at 4:45am and I snoozed a couple of times, having felt like we had only just got off to sleep! (I guess this is our welcome to parenthood!!)

Arrived at the FC's house by 7:15am. When we walked up the front path we heard Raina in the lounge shouting "Mummy"!!

She was dressed and straight into cute cuddle mode. Mummy Hannah and Mummy Hannah both got there fair share of cuddles. Lots of role playing, she seems be at that age where she loves to play "where's Raina gone?" over and over and over.


Raina, Mummy Ruth and Mummy Hannah got their shoes and coats on and walked the FC older daughter to the bus stop to go to school. Raina loves her very much and  both will be sad when she comes to live with us. As they held hands we reassured the older child that we would make sure there was contact in the future.

We waved her off on the bus and went back to the FC's house. We are using the hand link, which is really helping with us walking with Raina on the streets, as she does have a habit of running off.

Mummy Ruth fed her breakfast and then Raina did lots of dancing.

Yesterday we took Raina out to the local park and today we went further afield; about 30 minutes on the bus to a soft play centre. We stayed about an hour and Raina loved it. We had to manage our first 'playground fight', nice to see Raina can stick up for herself. It was a new feeling for me; feeling protective of our daughter.

After that we went to have our first family lunch outing. Raina did well and is very good at saying please and thank you, which is very cute.

Just moments after finishing lunch came the horridness of our first pooey nappy. For someone so beautiful; Raina can make some ugly smells!!!! We worked as a team to overcome....meaning I swiftly passed it to Mummy Ruth.

Raina fell asleep on Mummy Ruth on the way home on the bus.

We played at the FC's house all afternoon and it all went very well. We did bath time and bedtime and it all went fairly well. So today we have covered breakfast, an outing, eating out, bath and bed and so much more! 

Introduction Day 2

Day two is over and we are emotionally shattered. The Foster Carer called us first thing this morning to let us know that Raina had woken up at 4.30am and suggesting that we make sure we get a blackout blind to help to keep her in bed longer if possible. Needless to say that we fully intend to do this as soon as possible!!! The phone call was useful; It helped us to prepare ourselves for a potentially tired and grumpy child for the day! However, the day started with an unexpected trip to the doctors because Ruth has a bad foot. She's been hobbling around on a crutch for a couple of days and we became worried about her ability to recover in time to chase after a two-year old! Anyway, finally made it (later than agreed in the plan) to the Foster Carers house and Raina came to the door to meet Mummy Ruth. We took a few bags of Raina's toys and put them in the boot of the car. We had discussed with the Foster Carer that we should have some of her things in our house, so when she visits for the first time on Saturday it helps her to feel settled. Raina was full of smiles and hugs when we first arrived and it was a really nice way to start the day. We had an hour or so together at the FC house and we all had lunch together. We did our first nappy change and started doing quite a good share of the disciplining which went fairly well. Feeling confident with ourselves, we took Raina off to the local park a short walk away. We had some fun on the slide, swings and climbing frames. She was constantly on the move and very independent ("get off me") as we tried to support her to climb. It was good fun, but being outside with her on our own was totally diffent from being indoors in the relative sanctuary of the FC home. We gave her the 5 minutes until we're leaving warning,then 2 minutes and then 1 minute. She ran off to start climbing up the slide again. We stood our ground and told her that it was time to leave and she accepted this. Phew. We enjoyed spending time together, dealt with a few tantrums and had to discipline her a lot today. It was draining and emotionally charged as we tried to do our best to parent Raina, when she has only known us for a matter of hours. Magic item for two year old 'Reins!!'. We will be doing more of the same tomorrow and really need to get some sleep now, so good night. X X X

Introductions - Day 1

This morning we got the train and headed off to meet Raina for the very first time.  Our day started with the introductions planning meeting, where we met with four SW's and the foster carer. This was quite a formal meeting, chaired by the Local Authorities Adoption Team Manager. We discussed the plans for introductions, future contact with birth parents and parental responsibility and it's limitations for us as adoptive parents. Once the plan was set and concerns discussed we left for a lunch break.  We forced ourselves to eat a sandwich and held back the nervous waves of sickness. We made our way to the foster carers house and arrived about half an hour early to be extra sure. Knowing we have to stick to the agreed plan we walked to the local park and walked around there for a while to pass the time. The sun shone brightly and we talked about how tomorrow we would be bringing Raina here with the foster carer. We waited at the end of the street where she lives and waited to meet Raina's SW. She had told us not to wait directly outside and to wait for her. At exactly 1.30pm Raina's SW appeared from the house and waved for us to come in. We walked to the house; we had agreed that Hannah would go in first. Raina's SW was standing in the hall way and saying "who's this Raina?".  Then she was there. She appeared from the lounge and saw us. She smiled a big smile and said "Mummy". Our hearts melted and the SW beamed.  Raina ran back into the lounge and we followed her in. She stood there and smiled then hid behind her hands with shyness. We sat down on the sofa, conscious of not wanting to overwhelm her completely. Every now and again she took her hands away to take a look at her Mummies. We sat down on the floor to get down lower to her level and she hid behind the door. Hannah said "where's Raina gone?" and we all joined in an impromptu game of hide and seek. Every time she popped her head around the door and we all said "there she is", Raina let out squeals of delight. Within minutes she was showing us the Tomy talking photo album and nestling into us.  Raina's SW took loads of photos to capture the most amazing moment of our lives to go in Raina's Life Story Book.   Raina was entertainer; dressing up in Ruth's shoes, scarf and bag, riffling through the bag and applying the Vaseline to her lips!  She slowly built up confidence and came over to touch us. We found ourselves poking her in the belly to see if she was real, which initiated a game of tickling.  Within 10 minutes Raina had gone and found her shoes and was wanting us to put them on her and take her out.  The two hours flew past and by the end we were playing rough and tumble, getting cuddles and blowing raspberries on Raina's belly.   We wanted to stay longer but know how important it is to take it slowly and step by step, so we got our coats and  bags and said goodbye. She waved goodbye and came to the door as we left and waved as we walked down the road.  She also blew kisses to us! We were so emotionally drained by the build up to this first meeting and by how beautiful our new daughter is.  We couldn't have hoped for a better start and somehow now we have to go and get some rest and be ready for a longer day tomorrow.  We are the happiest we have ever been. This day has been truly the most special day of our lives. We can't wait for tomorrow to be here.

Our daughter knows about us!

Just a brief update to say that we had a good chat on the phone with Raina's Foster Carer and she told us that Raina really liked the Tomy photo album and that her face lit up when she heard our voices.  So now she actually knows about us.  All we can do is hope that the Foster Carer is really talking us up as often as possible, we have a lot of trust in her at this point to be helping the bonds to form well from now....It's such a weird feeling to think that she has seen our faces and heard our voices (we have seen her on a DVD and  photos) but are all still to meet in the flesh.

Feels a bit like I imagine the first stages of internet dating to feel!?!

Two more sleeps until introductions start!
Until next time
Hannah & Ruth

Matched!

Just a very quick post......

Yesterday was the most wonderful day, we were unanimously approved to be matched with our daughter. The panel had a good number of questions for the Foster Carer, Social Worker and us and they had some further recommendations for the Social Workers and the Adoption Support Plan.

They asked us to step out whilst they discussed our case, which felt like an eternity. When we were finally asked to step back into the room and the Chair of the panel gave us the verdict, the tears welled up in our eyes. I have never had a feeling like that in my life.

We left the room and felt in a total daze. The Family Finding SW who was there to support us in the absence of our own assessing / link SW said to me "You've got a baby daughter." I was lost for words. We were handed our matching certificates to give our employers and we gave the Foster Carer a DVD of us (not before we apologised, in advance, to the Foster Carer for the content /quality!!) Lola gave her the talking photo album and I had to stop all the SW's listening to it in the corridor of the town hall (I hate the sound of my own voice recorded!)which they found highly amusing.

We walked out of the Town Hall as new parents. We chatted outside to the Foster Carer for a good 15 minutes and a week from now we will have completed two days of introductions!

What a moment for the two of us to share, I will always remember this very special day.

(An ecstatic) Ruth & Hannah x x

The importance of health

Health is a massive issue for potential adopters to consider.  Any potential adopters know that medical 'well-being' comes as no guarantee from a placement, but then again the same can be said to be true of birth parents and their children. In our home assessment we were asked to really consider the realities that we could face with our own future adopted child/ren and our own capabilties as parents-to-be.

We read Raina's Child Permanence Report (CPR) .....only about a hundred or more times (!) and know that she does seem to be currently meeting all her milestones and developing well.  In the initial family finder stage we read a few CPR's and they did all seem to contain, somewhere within the text of the report the following sentence "...potential carers must be prepared to accept the unknown in terms of X's future development."

As part of the process we went through in deciding whether we were the right parents for Raina, we have read all the medical information complied by her SW and done our own research. (Trying not to be totally freaked out by what is available on the Internet!!)   We have read the medical reports completed on Raina at the hosptial when she was born and know that unfortunately she was poorly when she was born and she had some health problems caused by pre-natal exposure to a number of things.   She seems to have been quite a resilient little girl and is very sociable and bright, but there were some concerns reported recently about her speech being delayed.

A while back we requested a meeting with Raina's local authority LAC Doctor and we managed to get our wish this week. This has proven to be really positive and has put our minds to rest on a few things and also given us some helpful food for thought.

In the past year or so, we have already purchased a few useful books from BAAF (British Association for Adoption and Fostering) which have helped us at various points of the process so far.  This week we also discovered they have a range of books in their 'Parenting Matters' series; which cover a lot of the key issues for adopters that we certainly need to understand more of, now we know about our 'child to be's'  health background.

http://www.baaf.org.uk/bookshop/book_parentingmatters

So we are off to do some light reading!

Hannah & Ruth

Car seats and stair gates

So it's been almost two weeks since our last post.  Nothing much to report but we have been very busy organising our home in readiness for our little one to come home.  Now we know that it is really happening; we are going to be Mummies soon.  All the Social Workers we speak to about the matching, speak as if it is a dead-certainty.   So for possibly the first time in the whole process, we have been able to feel confident that we know what is going to happen next.  This is a welcome state, after almost 2 years of not knowing what direction things are going in from week to week!!!

Time feels to be dragging as we wait for the 8th of May, but we do 'check' ourselves regularly and remind each other that we must enjoy our final few weeks being just us.  However, we honestly feel so ready to move onto the next chapter on our adoption journey.  But, we have got so much to do before the 8th May, so the reality is that time is of the essence.

The last weekend we have bought a stairgate and a car seat and today we had carpet fitted in the little one's bedroom to make it more cosy for her.  I think this might be the adoption equivalent to nesting!?!

Our next project is to get her room ready and take some photos of it and other rooms in the house / the garden etc.  We have bought this wonderful talking photo album made by Tomy.  It allows us to record a voice message for each photo.  We have got photos of us both, on our own and together.  We will take it with us when we go to the matching panel and the SW will give it to Raina's carer.  It's amazing to think about the Foster Carer and Raina going through it together; seeing her two Mum's and hearing our voices before we have even met each other!  We also need to make a short video of us both and the house, so Raina can watch us.  we are not experts at technology and video media production so it's good that she is only two so she won't notice how amateur it is!!!

Today we received a draft timetable of the introductions - again another symbol of the fact that it will be  happening soon.  We are set for 9 days of introductions.  We feel that this is such a short amount of time to build up a relationship with Raina and form strong attachments.  We hope that it all works well and we will have to trust the SW's that they know what is best for Raina.  It's impossible to know how she will settle but the plan is that she will come home with us on 24th May and then we start our lives as a forever family.

We feel so much support from our family and friends; we know how excited everyone is for us and how much they love and care for us too and we are really feeling it now.  I guess this is the support network that our lovely SW talked about at most of our meetings over the last year!!!   Introductions are looming and we hear from other adopters that this can be the most tiring, challenging and wonderful experience.  We hope that we can document each step on here.

But first:  Matching panel here we come!
Hannah & Ruth
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