We need to talk about Kevin...

When introductions started Raina's Foster Carer suggested we start potty training. She explained that Raina was ready and that last November she was so close to being toilet trained, however, the Foster Carer that had looked after Raina when they had gone on holiday didn't keep it up.

Seven weeks on Raina can tell us when she wants to go toilet. She can hold her wee when out and about. Saturday night was her first time in grown up knickers in her bed overnight and dry right through morning (we wake her up before we sleep to wee). Next step is encouraging her to get herself up at night and using the potty that's been placed in her room.

However, she can also choose whether or not she wishes to do a number two : (

We have had about three occassion where Raina has been constipated. Well actually able to poo but not willing to. We know it's not officially constipation because the 2nd time it happened when I gave Mummy her snack Raina asked for hers and when I stated that she could not have one until 'Kevin' comes out straight away we hear plop inside the potty.

That's right her number two is called Kevin. We learnt that by naming the thing makes it easier for Raina to relate whenever we are talking about her poo. Mummy picked the name as it was the guy we bought our house from and he was a giant lying turd.

So there is a lot of - is Kevin coming, is Kevin here, do you need to do a Kevin etc.

Last week Raina held Kevin hostage for 2 days and she was getting tetching and would not understand that if she went to the toilet it would probably make her more happy. Plus her stomach was getting huge!

We read everything and tried everything including good old fashion prunes. No joy. 

For some reason whilst she was sat on the potty on day 3 I stated I think Kevin is sad that he cannot come out. Raina looked up and the realisation/empathy on her face was to die for and out came flying many Kevins.

She was so excited saying again and again 'hello Kevin! Alright?' And of cause I had to mimic "yes I feel much better". Oh the joy.

Just would like to say thank you to Todd Parr's 'The Feelings Book' that Raina has loved reading and uses to explain how she is at any one time. 'Raina is feeling cranky' 'Raina is feels like kissing a sealion'

Ah bless

Ruth

A definite first

I have seriously got to make more time to be updating this Blog. So much happens that need to be recorded....

You wonder at times, you sometimes 'unknowingly' search/look out for first time of anything. That experience, word, action that nobody else in the world (Birth parents, Foster Carer, Contact Supervisor) has had with Raina. If you don't or believe you haven't you are lying to yourself.

Well we are definitely sure that we have had that day. It started innocently by me taking her to the Library Explorers session and her making an Olympic Torch - Raina decided it was a trumpet and threw the flames out as it cramped her style. Then we decided to go see the Torch coming to our hometown.

At the shopping centre there is one of those none moving statues until you drop a few coins. As soon as Raina approaches it starts to move waving at her - Raina is mortified and covers her eyes as of course things are always better when eyes are shut. We are strong believers in giving things at least one try so we get her out of the buggy and standing with Mummy next to the statue that is still standing on the medal podium holding a torch and waving at Raina. Raina grabs Mummys legs tightly looking intensely at the statue who is now smiling at her. She then clambers up her Mummy (which is not far) and grabs tightly around her neck - we thought this challenge is over.

To appease her Mummy takes her to the flag making table and she comes running over to me all proud and waving her flag. We then notice her looking for the statue to show her flag and frankly too late statue has moved on.

On our to the best viewpoint of the torch relay Raina is holding her flag waving frantically and holding high up the torch that she had made shouting olympic torch. Picture a sort of moving Statue of Liberty if you can.

It was just amazing to know that NOBODY in this world as ever taken her to watch the Olympic Torch Relay.

Proud at Pride

Today we joined in the celebrations for World Pride in London. We spent the afternoon in the New Family Social family area. This was a special family area in the midst of Soho and we spent the time chatting to other LGBT adopters and Raina played with their children on the bouncy castle and in the ball pit. We caught up with friends, shared stories and had a great time. A lovely sight to see so many children running around having fun together and knowing that they have all been adopted or fostered by the LGBT community. That truly did give me a sense of Pride.

When is it too early to meet the Foster Family?

We had planned to meet the Foster Family this weekend.  We feel that Raina is ready; as much as a child could be ready for this emotional event.   We had a skype session last week and Raina loved seeing everyone (the FC, FC's two children, FC's Grand daughter and another child being fostered).  She has previously spoken to the FC on the telephone a couple of weeks after coming to live with us.  They are still massively significant in Raina's life and she has spent the last year of her life with them.  She talks about them frequently and we talk about some funny times when we were all together during introductions. Generally the tone is upbeat.  Occasionally, we can feel her sadness and help her name the feeling she is having; "Raina is feeling sad because she misses ........"

We have been reading around adoption and the different schools of thought about when a child is ready for direct contact with people from their past.  This served only to leave us more unsure so we searched our new parental instinct for answers about about Raina; our child - the individual child; rather than a child from a text book or manual.  We feel she needs to see them to know on a basic level that they are OK.  In a way telephone contact and Skype did go some way to doing this but not enough.  We feel that it could help her to realise the permanency of her forever family.  We hope that by seeing us all together she will see that fundamentally they 'approved' of us and of her leaving and that we didn't just take her from them.  We don't anticipate an easy time afterwards.  In fact, we expect an initial backlash; we know it will happen but that it will pass in time and that we will need to be patient and on hand to try and help Raina name her feelings (we have experienced similar 'fall-out' after the telephone call <3 days of fall out> and skype <1.5 days fall out>).

Today we have felt the handbrake being applied to our journey.  We told our SW about our plans and she told us in no uncertain terms that this should not happen.   We have a fairly open relationship with our SW and tell her most things; we are naturally like this and always have been with with her (perhaps naively so?)  As we also mentioned the Skype session and immediately felt like we were at school being told off by the teacher.  She consulted with Raina's SW and then rang us to confirm. Ruth called Raina's SW herself to discuss further and SW reinforced what our SW was saying.  We were told that there should be no contact until the adoption order is granted.  At the last LAC review, we were told that we should wait for contact with the Fosters until Raina was "really settled" and were led to believe that this would be a decision we would have the autonomy to make; as her primary carers.  That's what it says on the notes from the meeting...."really settled".  So now we wonder when that will be and who will be te judge of this: us or the Social Workers?  This serves as a reminder that until the Adoption Order is granted we can't really make parenting decisions around things like this for our daughter.  A cynic might suggest that we are being held to 'ransom' to some extent.......the SW's want us to file the Adoption Order ASAP.  Perhaps, they are counting on us wanting to apply at the first opportunity after today.

So, for now, the reunion is on hold.