Guest Posting from Uncle & Aunty

So a while back was a milestone....we left Raina for the first time in the care of other people and found ourselves alone!!! Uncle and Aunty offered to take Raina out to a Local Sea Life Centre and we happily accepted.  We dropped her off, I think we were more emotional about it, she was oblivious! We resisted the temptation to follow them around and to lurk in the shadows and we left the building and headed off to do something adult (for a change!). We visited an art gallery and had a coffee.  We tried but we couldn't help talking about Raina (and the potential of another adoption in the future, are we mad!?!) Anyway, Uncle and Aunty are the Guest Bloggers for this post so over to them!

When we first met Raina that day she was cold yet still very excited to see the penguins. As expected there were various warnings regarding Raina's diet such as no peanuts, no ice cream, regular toilet breaks but the one we especially liked was not to look into her eyes, which made us wonder what super powers Raina may possess lol.

The day started off by walking over a glass floor with fish and sharks swimming underneath. I think Raina was a little concerned walking over them so Uncle JR picked her up and floating her over like she was an aeroplane which she enjoyed and was a great ice breaker and introduction to the sometimes quite frightening undersea animal kingdom.

We then had our photo taken, which Raina especially enjoyed doing. Looking across at the teenager taking the photo we didn't have high hopes on the quality, but in reflection the photo actually came out quite amazing. 

Raina enjoyed looking at all the fish especially the penguins, starfish & turtles. She didn't take too kindly to the sharks, however Uncle Jr found it funny scaring her a few times by taking her up real close or pretending he was going to drop her in a tank full of fish. Hey..shes gotta learn some time lol. She would say 'no no no, stop being silly uncle jr'. 

Aunty Lamora took lots of photos of the different types of animals and made sure Raina understood all the different types of animals that were on view. This was a real educational process Raina enjoyed and is sure to remember.

We left the aquarium after 2 hours, which was quick we felt as we anticipated at least 5 hours of fishy fun! That's what happens when you go Sea World in Orlando lol. 

We decided it was time to get some lunch and decided on Bodeans. We wrapped up warm and trying to get Rainas fingers into her gloves was 'fun'. We got on the tube and realised that Raina was tired so Uncle Jr carried her most of the way, Raina only has little legs after all. Once we arrived we chose what we were eating and Raina seemed to be a bit tired. A sip of Uncle Jrs Tango was all she needed to liven her up again. She had a kids size burger and chips, and even still had room for more spare ribs.

The day ended with Mummy & Mamma meeting us at the table, to a well stuffed Raina.
What a day, what an experience!

Uncle Junior and Aunty Lamora

7 Months!

Sorry for not having blogged for a while, life has taken over and we thought we'd  'store up' the updates for a suitable moment.  This seemed to be that suitable moment ; the 7 month mark of being a forever family and since our daughter came home with us. It's also that significant time of year; Christmas.  This time last year, our PAR was almost done (or so we thought) and Approval was going to be early in the New Year.  Then it suddenly seemed to be slowing down again.....but that was the year that was.  You can read all about that time here....

http://timeofrlives.blogspot.co.uk/2012/01/can-you-be-too-honest-in-home.html#links

Raina is here; she is here for our first Christmas and nothing else really matters now.

Since our last posting we have met Raina's Birth Parents.  This was a massively emotional meeting and we both felt the pressure beforehand building up.  When the day came, we were both extremely nervous.  It was well coordinated and planned; we had exchanged  questions prior to meeting through our own Social Workers.  We talked for an hour and I've never known both ours and Raina's Social Workers be so quiet in all this time!   It was emotional; everyone shed some tears but overall it was useful, productive and positive for us and for Raina. We closed the meeting by taking photos of us all together and parted with hugs.  The account of the content of this meeting will remain between us until we can share it with Raina when she is old enough.

It left us feeling like we understood Raina better.  We have seen the BP's in photos but seeing them in person presented a completely new dynamic.  Recognising the facial similarities and likenesses with personalities was wonderful.  Raina looks so much like both her BP's.  Seeing where she 'came from' made us both feel like we were connected to Raina in a deeper way.  In the only way they could; her Birth Parents told us that they approved of us; that it was okay for us to love her and call her our 'daughter'.  They clearly love her so deeply and have been at the lowest points since Raina went into Care and a plan for Adoption was made for her.  I can only hope that meeting us might have helped them to find a slightly more positive space to think about Raina's adoption.  We continue to keep them in our thoughts and in our conversations with Raina, in a way in which she can understand.

Last week we had our Civil Partnership. It was a wonderful day; spent amongst our families and friends. It was the perfect ending to the year and the icing on the cake for 2012. We have also completed the Adoption Application and will be sending this off soon.  2013 will be another big year....that's already on the cards!

Happy Christmas!!!

Ruth and Hannah

Meeting the Birth Parents

After much tooing and frowing, we have managed to set a date to meet Raina's Birth Parents.  It proved  to be like a military operation getting us, the Birth Parents, Raina's Social Worker and our Link Worker together in the same room at the same time.  But; it has been done and the meeting is about a month away. We made a list of questions and they have been passed onto the Birth Parents.  We have also received a list of questions from them.   Being given this opportunity to meet them feels like it will allow us to get closer to Raina too and understand her even more, which we feel lucky about. However, we are both feeling quite nervous at the propsect of meeting and we really hope that it goes as well as can be expected.

Hannah x x

Royal Parks Half Marathon

On Sunday I will be running the Royal Parks Half Marathon,

http://royalparkshalf.com/

I am running to raise money for New Family Social (NFS) who have been (and continue to be!) a huge source of support, guidance and encouragement throughout this whole process for us both.  

http://newfamilysocial.co.uk/

Hannah x x

Coming up for air...

It's been a really nice weekend, Raina has been well behaved and this last week she has been really fun to spend time with.  She's got her own quirky sense of humour which is serving to make us both fall in love with her even more.  As we lay in bed on Saturday morning listening to Raina reading her nursery rhymes out loud, we remarked how much calmer she has been lately.  Momma recalled Raina's CPR, which outlined that her adoptive parents would need "strong boundaries and regular, predictable routine and structure".  We agreed that the social workers account of her needs were spot on and furthermore; Raina was starting to thrive because of it.

She's had her fair share of tantrums - the worst week was a while back when Momma's blog entry summed up our despair nicely.  Raina had a 2 weeks long melt-down; completely unable to control her emotions and regulate herself.  She was violent, towards us both and herself (she still has the scars to prove it) she wouldn't sleep, destroyed everything in her bedroom and at her lowest point stood at the top of the stairs rattling the stair gate and swore at us for half an hour like a crazed animal. Not cute. Not nice. Not something we want to experience again.

But we have all forgiven and moved on.

Raina celebrated her 3rd birthday with us last weekend and it was a wonderful day.  Obviously our thoughts were with the birth parents and wider family on this bittersweet occasion.  We are hoping to meet the birth parents soon - within the next week or so and have been planning some questions to ask them.  This is quite daunting but we are also looking forward to it so we can look back in later years and tell Raina about the day we met her birth parents.

Time

Our previous post needs further explanation, but I cannot tackle that topic right now. Other to say that we have come out the other side and survived.

Time

Time used to be often made up of activities as opposed to units of time. Watching tv for "a bit", having a rest for "a while", grabbing a quick coffee, killing a few hours over a meal etc...

This was all BR; 'before Raina'. Now time is more like a tap left running or sand through a timer, it runs away from you and from the moment you wake up your are trying to chase it like you are running a race against it (with time always having a head start on you and always being the fitter, leaner and healthier athlete) In the battle against time; being on time; having time; we are eternal losers.  One the other hand, time is a champion, which is always like a dot on the horizon ahead of you, mocking you by creeping up on you and silently showing you that you have 'run out of time'. 

Our lives have become like a rolling episode of the Krypton Factor; without the team coloured track suits. Parenting is problem solving in action. Starting with a detailed plan, having a back up just incase, having to think on your feet and always thinking at least two steps ahead. 

Our brains are tired and our bodies are ragged representations of their former selves. I think we have arrived at destination parenthood. 

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think we have just arrived at the difficult week that social workers implied to look out for in week 6/7 - bearing in mind that we are in week 12. Apparently it is heavily researched that weeks 6 and 7 of placement things really kick off for the child/ren.

All we can say is 'OMG'! Nothing can prepare you for it. And I would not wish my enemy to go through it.

10 weeks now...

Another milestone has passed us by, our family has been home together for 10 weeks.  Raina is definitely more settled with each day and each week that has passed us by.

We had the 2nd LAC Review last week and this time Raina was awake, so the SW's and the Chair got to see her this time!  She was on good form; practising her alphabet, playing and laughing and reading her books.  The SW's are happy with us and with Raina's development so far.  They want us to move ahead with the adoption order as soon as possible but we don't feel in a rush to do it yet; ten weeks is really not very long in reality and we don't feel ready yet to say goodbye to Social Services completely yet....there are some remaining issues we need to resolve (life story book/work, meeting birth parents etc).

We have not met Raina's BP's.  We want to, but it couldn't happen before matching as SS's had security concerns about us meeting up.  This would just be them and us; without Raina.  We share some information, ask questions and ensure that a photograph is taken to show Raina that we met and be able to talk about the meeting for years to come.  We still want to meet up and would also ideally opt for direct contact in the future for the BP's and Raina with us in attendance; but following the LAC meeting some doubts have set in, as we have learnt that her BP's are not in a good place themselves at the moment.  Therefore contact in all forms is on hold for now, including the 'one-off' meeting.  We really hope that things are sorted out so that at the very least we can meet her BP's........

At the LAC review we also discussed meeting the Foster Family again and confirmed that SS's have now agreed that this can happen.  They had originally said no; feeling that Raina was too vulnerable for this to happen, we did not agree and passionately conveyed how we felt this was not the case and that Raina needed the contact to help her make sense of what has happened to her.

So this weekend we met up and it was really wonderful.  We went to an indoor soft-play centre so Raina could play with the other three children.  Raina was so happy to see them and play with them; but it was clear that it was me and Momma who were her primary caregivers now; as she came to us when she needed anything.  The 2 hours flew past and it came to leaving time.  We took a few photos of Raina with the other children for posterity and exchanged hugs.  Raina held her hand out for mine and said "bye bye" to the Foster Family.  The three of us walked away and Raina did not look back; she did not cry and her behaviour has been consistently good today.  It would appear that any negative impact is minimal, if non existent.  We know she really enjoyed it and appreciated it in her own way (although she could never articulate this so we say it for her and she nods and smile).  We are so glad we pushed the SW's on this issue; it was completely in her best interest and we are sure will fundamentally deepen our relationship with Raina, in turn helping her to settle that little bit more.

We need to talk about Kevin...

When introductions started Raina's Foster Carer suggested we start potty training. She explained that Raina was ready and that last November she was so close to being toilet trained, however, the Foster Carer that had looked after Raina when they had gone on holiday didn't keep it up.

Seven weeks on Raina can tell us when she wants to go toilet. She can hold her wee when out and about. Saturday night was her first time in grown up knickers in her bed overnight and dry right through morning (we wake her up before we sleep to wee). Next step is encouraging her to get herself up at night and using the potty that's been placed in her room.

However, she can also choose whether or not she wishes to do a number two : (

We have had about three occassion where Raina has been constipated. Well actually able to poo but not willing to. We know it's not officially constipation because the 2nd time it happened when I gave Mummy her snack Raina asked for hers and when I stated that she could not have one until 'Kevin' comes out straight away we hear plop inside the potty.

That's right her number two is called Kevin. We learnt that by naming the thing makes it easier for Raina to relate whenever we are talking about her poo. Mummy picked the name as it was the guy we bought our house from and he was a giant lying turd.

So there is a lot of - is Kevin coming, is Kevin here, do you need to do a Kevin etc.

Last week Raina held Kevin hostage for 2 days and she was getting tetching and would not understand that if she went to the toilet it would probably make her more happy. Plus her stomach was getting huge!

We read everything and tried everything including good old fashion prunes. No joy. 

For some reason whilst she was sat on the potty on day 3 I stated I think Kevin is sad that he cannot come out. Raina looked up and the realisation/empathy on her face was to die for and out came flying many Kevins.

She was so excited saying again and again 'hello Kevin! Alright?' And of cause I had to mimic "yes I feel much better". Oh the joy.

Just would like to say thank you to Todd Parr's 'The Feelings Book' that Raina has loved reading and uses to explain how she is at any one time. 'Raina is feeling cranky' 'Raina is feels like kissing a sealion'

Ah bless

Ruth

A definite first

I have seriously got to make more time to be updating this Blog. So much happens that need to be recorded....

You wonder at times, you sometimes 'unknowingly' search/look out for first time of anything. That experience, word, action that nobody else in the world (Birth parents, Foster Carer, Contact Supervisor) has had with Raina. If you don't or believe you haven't you are lying to yourself.

Well we are definitely sure that we have had that day. It started innocently by me taking her to the Library Explorers session and her making an Olympic Torch - Raina decided it was a trumpet and threw the flames out as it cramped her style. Then we decided to go see the Torch coming to our hometown.

At the shopping centre there is one of those none moving statues until you drop a few coins. As soon as Raina approaches it starts to move waving at her - Raina is mortified and covers her eyes as of course things are always better when eyes are shut. We are strong believers in giving things at least one try so we get her out of the buggy and standing with Mummy next to the statue that is still standing on the medal podium holding a torch and waving at Raina. Raina grabs Mummys legs tightly looking intensely at the statue who is now smiling at her. She then clambers up her Mummy (which is not far) and grabs tightly around her neck - we thought this challenge is over.

To appease her Mummy takes her to the flag making table and she comes running over to me all proud and waving her flag. We then notice her looking for the statue to show her flag and frankly too late statue has moved on.

On our to the best viewpoint of the torch relay Raina is holding her flag waving frantically and holding high up the torch that she had made shouting olympic torch. Picture a sort of moving Statue of Liberty if you can.

It was just amazing to know that NOBODY in this world as ever taken her to watch the Olympic Torch Relay.

Proud at Pride

Today we joined in the celebrations for World Pride in London. We spent the afternoon in the New Family Social family area. This was a special family area in the midst of Soho and we spent the time chatting to other LGBT adopters and Raina played with their children on the bouncy castle and in the ball pit. We caught up with friends, shared stories and had a great time. A lovely sight to see so many children running around having fun together and knowing that they have all been adopted or fostered by the LGBT community. That truly did give me a sense of Pride.

When is it too early to meet the Foster Family?

We had planned to meet the Foster Family this weekend.  We feel that Raina is ready; as much as a child could be ready for this emotional event.   We had a skype session last week and Raina loved seeing everyone (the FC, FC's two children, FC's Grand daughter and another child being fostered).  She has previously spoken to the FC on the telephone a couple of weeks after coming to live with us.  They are still massively significant in Raina's life and she has spent the last year of her life with them.  She talks about them frequently and we talk about some funny times when we were all together during introductions. Generally the tone is upbeat.  Occasionally, we can feel her sadness and help her name the feeling she is having; "Raina is feeling sad because she misses ........"

We have been reading around adoption and the different schools of thought about when a child is ready for direct contact with people from their past.  This served only to leave us more unsure so we searched our new parental instinct for answers about about Raina; our child - the individual child; rather than a child from a text book or manual.  We feel she needs to see them to know on a basic level that they are OK.  In a way telephone contact and Skype did go some way to doing this but not enough.  We feel that it could help her to realise the permanency of her forever family.  We hope that by seeing us all together she will see that fundamentally they 'approved' of us and of her leaving and that we didn't just take her from them.  We don't anticipate an easy time afterwards.  In fact, we expect an initial backlash; we know it will happen but that it will pass in time and that we will need to be patient and on hand to try and help Raina name her feelings (we have experienced similar 'fall-out' after the telephone call <3 days of fall out> and skype <1.5 days fall out>).

Today we have felt the handbrake being applied to our journey.  We told our SW about our plans and she told us in no uncertain terms that this should not happen.   We have a fairly open relationship with our SW and tell her most things; we are naturally like this and always have been with with her (perhaps naively so?)  As we also mentioned the Skype session and immediately felt like we were at school being told off by the teacher.  She consulted with Raina's SW and then rang us to confirm. Ruth called Raina's SW herself to discuss further and SW reinforced what our SW was saying.  We were told that there should be no contact until the adoption order is granted.  At the last LAC review, we were told that we should wait for contact with the Fosters until Raina was "really settled" and were led to believe that this would be a decision we would have the autonomy to make; as her primary carers.  That's what it says on the notes from the meeting...."really settled".  So now we wonder when that will be and who will be te judge of this: us or the Social Workers?  This serves as a reminder that until the Adoption Order is granted we can't really make parenting decisions around things like this for our daughter.  A cynic might suggest that we are being held to 'ransom' to some extent.......the SW's want us to file the Adoption Order ASAP.  Perhaps, they are counting on us wanting to apply at the first opportunity after today.

So, for now, the reunion is on hold.

I couldn't put it better myself...

http://youtu.be/yMLZO-sObzQ

or

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMLZO-sObzQ

A year off and realising balding is on the cards

Well it's been a long while for me to write something. In fact everything changed once Raina walked in permanently through our home. That's right Mummy has been penning my part of the blog. I have had no time to think, no space to think and I think that will be the pattern until Raina is about 4 years old or maybe if lucky January 2013 when she starts nursery. Our parents obviously made this child rearing thing look easy! 

I mean adoption criteria aside there is a lot of playing with body excrements, repetition, dancing, building blocks, pretending to write or draw, chopping banana (eewwhhh), saying what you said you were doing or going to do over and over but also finding new ways of saying something you would have just stated straight up in previous life. All the jobs I have had in my life have always had to include a day never the same and now this one great permanent job can only work on the foundation of repetition and routine.

I am grateful that my job before Raina gave me opportunities to do parenting with clients and attending courses that not only helped me with my job but for life as a new parent. I think parenting courses should become compulsory for everyone. All that humans know to do in life is taught to us first and then we build on it. So our first call of reference for parenting our children is how we were parented but who is to say that it was the best parenting. One would not know or question it. There are many parenting courses out there but I recommend:

@ Family Links

@ Triple P (Positive Parenting Programme)

@ Incredible Years

Top up the parenting with the following if you ever get the chance:

@ Anger Management (Mike Fisher)

@ Solution Focus Brief Therapy (SfBT)

@ Ties and Trauma that Bind (Norma Hinds)

This parenting thing is tiring, no matter how much rest you take. Add adoption to it and  you will never understand until you are there how huge an impact (the looking for an agency, prep group, home assessment, approval panel, searching and waiting, home visit by the potential child’s social worker, being linked, matching panel, shopping, DIY, making a DVD etc, waiting for introductions, introductions itself, being watched by social worker, foster carer, new child, first day at your home with foster carer in tow, final review, moving in) this process is before you have even become a forever family. 

But it is still not real when the child moves in. You are still a puppet on a string and dancing to a fakish tune as the Local Authority, Foster Carer are still in your life due to Looked After Reviews and Looked After visits first weekly then monthly until you are granted to apply for an Adoption Order. This can not be for about 10 weeks after your child moves in. We are sure that Raina can sense it too but there is no room to manoeuvre and we have to be over protective and not completely relaxed. She is still someone else's child and we share parental responsibility with her birth parents and Local Authority. For example, the ends of her hair was very dry and split, I had to speak to her social worker first.

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change the time we have spent (2 years) in finding our daughter for anything. It's been a learning curve with a long journey to come especially when she starts to understand how babies are made for that is when the meaning of adoption truly kicks in for the adopted. All we can do for now is talk about adoption in the terms she can repeat (tummy mummy, daddy live in Manchester Raina lives here etc) so that it becomes a natural part of her like always knowing she is a girl or that she loves peas.   

Well I am off to the hairdressers this afternoon for the first time in a very long time and poor Raina is going to have to tag along wish us luck. 

forever?

This weekend we enjoyed some time together as a family and this involved going out to see some friends at their house.  They are a lovely couple; Ruths's friend through work and her husband, who we met for the first time on Sunday.  A really down to earth couple who are the kind of people we can see us being friends with socially in the future.  They were great with Raina and she really liked their company.

Raina is quite a physical girl and at other social events with us, she has literally thrown herself all over adults who she (and we) don't really know that well.  She knows Mummy and Mama are her primary carers but she doesn't distinguish between very close friends and family and acquaintances or even people we have just met.  Everyone gets the same level of affection and attention.  We are working on this and yesterday, we sat outside their house in the car and told her not to throw herself on people during the visit.  She was much better than she has been before and we were both really pleased with how this went.

Our friends are good at boundaries and were able to get involved in activities with Raina and say things like: "no Raina"; "you can't do that" and "stop there, that's far enough".

We had a picnic, went to the park and then relaxed in their garden enjoying the warm weather, chatting whilst Raina happily explored.  At about 4:30pm Raina asked Mummy to put her socks and shoes on and asked Mama where the car keys were.  Mama said; "ae you tired? do you want to go home?".  Raina was able to affirm this was the case!  This felt like a real breakthrough as normally we'd get an overtired child having a tantrum and breaking all the rules she normally sticks to.

When we came to leave, Raina became a bit anxious about who was leaving and who was staying.  Our friends told her that they were staying because they lived there.  I reiterated to Raina that she lived with her family, which comprised her, Mama and Mummy.

In this moment I think I understood her confusion.  Just a few short weeks ago we gatecrashed her life and her home and very quickly took on parenting roles of disciplining, setting and enfocting boundaries (just as our friends had been doing throughout the afternoon).  Soon after this her Foster Carer gave way to this and relinquished her involvement in these things and this signalled the end in terms of this relationship as she knew it to be.  I wondered whether maybe Raina was reminded of this and was confused as to what was going to happen next.  Were we bringing her back there again tomorrow?; or indeed; were we actually just going to leave her too?

We understand more and more about how we have to be patient in helping our daughter to really settle. She seems so well settled to everyone who meets her (including people who know her really well, like her own SW).  But real security and permanency runs so deep.  To allay her fears about further rejection and help her come to understand we can be relied upon we are buckled up for the long journey.  We know all we can do is just continue to show her over time that we are going to be here forever and that our family is forever, especially by verbalising her thoughts and feelings.

Four weeks

So four days done back at work and four weeks of being a forever family.  Funny how my priorities have shifted so much since Raina came along. I'm not so stressed by work and I find it even easier than I used to to switch off completely when I walk out the office door. I really miss Raina when I'm gone. I have taken to standing outside her bedroom door (left ajar throughout the night) and listening to her snoring for a moment before leaving for the day. She's a real snorer!!!  I am pleased to say that the potty training has really improved in the last week and especially so in the last few days. Raina has been dry throughout the whole night the last four nights - and is managing to stay dry most of the time in the day. It's so cute to see how excited she gets when she realises she has left us presents in the potty (as opposed to on the floor!).   Our SW says this is a very positive sign and that emotionally  healthy children have an innate desire to please their parents, so this shows that there is a positive attachment forming.  This wanting to please us has slowly extended to other areas; such as less tantrums and her doing things without us having to ask, because she is remembering the way things are done with us.    Raina is asking about her birth parents on at least a daily basis.  Whereas once the question was "Daddy?"; now she is making statements that will require us to take the conversation onto the next level before too many more weeks / months.  We know that an adopted child's thirst for information about their birth parents and early life can be unquenchable.  We are re-reading 'Adoption Conversations: How, when and what to tell children'.   This is helping us to consider how we can phrase information that is age-appropriate for Raina to understand.   All in all it feels like we are really getting into 'it' now; the job of parenting our daughter.  I think that we are both beginning to feel that we have a 'claim' to Raina.  When we first met her; in all honesty sometimes I felt like a sub-standard replacement for her Foster Family.  When we met the Health visitor at home a week ago; Ruth referred to Raina's birth parents as her 'parents'.  The HV said, "You're her parents. It hasn't sunk in yet has it?". She was right, it really hadn't.   It's starting to now.  I remember the adoption team manager saying to us on the first day of introductions; "go into this time with confidence. Raina is waiting for you to claim her. You have every right to stake your claim for her now.".  Im not sure how other adopters have felt; but we didn't feel that we had that right from the beginning, partly because you feel you are being judged by everyone involved in the child's life.  Those people are gradually fading into the background. Raina's SW wants to go from weekly meetings to monthly ones now, so we are really being given the space to get on with parenthood.  I've got the day off tomorrow. Raina will be asleep when I get home but I can't wait to see her in the morning and spend the day together.  A month in and I am feeling that Raina coming into my life has given me purpose like nothing else before.

Sniffles all round...

I had my first day back at work today. I had really not been looking forward to it at all and the impending return had been causing us both a bit of stress. I wanted to look in on Raina this morning, she was still asleep in bed; but I knew that seeing her I'd just want to stay home (plus Mama would have throttled me if I'd woken Raina up!) As it was everything was fine; my manager had created a 'Welcome Back Hannah' sign at my desk, which was really nice and she made me lots of cups of coffee. I was eased back into work by my manager as I attended a few meetings, sent a few emails, had lunch and then it was time to go home. I was so excited to see Raina and her and Mama walked part of the way to the train station to meet me on my walk home. When Raina realised it was me she ran towards me, open armed. My heart melted and it was the loveliest greeting after a day in the office. We all ate dinner together at the dining table and Mama and I bathed Raina together. I'm so glad I was able to do all these things with the whole family. We are trialling varied working hours, to enable me to be home earlier, if it goes well I can apply to my employer to change my hours on a permanent basis. I'm also exploring changing my main place of work, to be closer to home and my employer has a few sites so I can feasibly do this. Raina has a stinking cold and we administered our first (of many, I'm sure) Calpol dosage as new parents. Really hope she doesn't feel too ill when she wakes up in the morning. She's very cute as she sneezes (generally in groups of three) and after every sneeze she says "bless me". On another positive note our friends were unanimously approved as adopters today at their panel hearing.

3 weeks

Three weeks ago tonight we were having our last evening as a couple before Raina came to live with her forever family.

There are moments when it feels like Raina has been with us for much longer than three weeks.  It's easy to recall life before Raina but very hard to imagine a future where she was not here. There is definitely a shared bond forming between us all but I don't think any of us have felt instant 'love' for each other.  It's more like a blossoming relationship and changing very slowly over time.  When our SW asked me "do you love her?", I can only reply that I feel like I am falling in love with her.

Our SW warned us about the week 5/ week 6 difficulties that a lot of placements experience.  We don't think that Raina has fully realised that she is going to live with us forever yet.  When the realisation does kicks in, she is bound to be angry with us and we are braced for some backlash.  Raina has had a few different carers in her life and not all of them have remained in her life all the time.  There are no short-cuts to Raina feeling fully secure that we aren't going to send her back to her FC or pass her onto someone else to look after her.  We hope that another three weeks from now we can reflect on having progressed further in this direction.

Tears and tantrums part 2

Raina woke up this morning and was the cutest, most sweet little girl. She gave us lashings of affection and we should have reasoned then that it could only go downhill from there. Tantrums ahoy. Raina has a new habit of throwing herself violently on the floor when she has a tantrum and today she has done this a few times. She banged her head on the floor at one stage and cut her lip throwing herself off the toilet, so all in all she has had a hard day!!! I think that she must be stressed out as she didnt do a poo at all today and that is a sign that all is not right with her little body. The Health Vistor came round today to meet Raina and suggested we try her in normal knickers. She claims that pull-ups only serve to trick children, as they leave them feeling dry so they don't get the sensation of having an accident; hence learning to stop and go to the toilet. We have taken her advice. Tonight we got Raina really excited by letting her choose which grown up knickers she wants to wear tomorrow. I have decided to try this tomorrow, so wish me luck!!!

Boat trips and train journeys

This weekend we had our first overnight trip away as a family.  We were advised not to have visits away from the home until we were sure Raina was settled enough; which she did seem to be.  We also thought it would benefit her as we would return home at the end of the visit and that it might help to cement the permanency of her new home; as a place we all come back to and call 'home'.

I have realised that as a parent, when going away, I now get to pack;

Toothpaste
Toothbrush
Clean underwear
Nothing else.

Raina gets to pack;

Teddies
Blanket
Pajamas
Wash bag
Toy
Crayons
Colouring book
Book X 2
Slippers
Snacks
Nappies
The list goes on.

We stayed the night on a narrow-boat near Derby that Grandad and Aunty Jewel were hiring.  Trust my father to pick the week to hire a canal boat in British summer when the rivers are overflowing and there are gale force winds blowing! The three of us shared a bed together; Raina slept well and sprawled herself across the bed. Momma and I didn't sleep too well.....but we all had a wonderful time and Raina really enjoyed meeting her Grandad and 'Aunty Ju'.  Raina enjoyed travelling on the train and thankfully slept for an hour and a half, which helped to kill some travelling time!

Raina has been asking about her Daddy quite a lot over the last few days; she also mentions the name of the Contact Supervisor, who managed the contact she had with her Birth Father and Mother.  Today I realised she was asking about her birth Mother too; who she refers to as Mummy.  I know that she is too young to find it weird how she can have so many Mum's, but I think that at times it must confuse her and I have certainly had times when I have been confused by what she has said because of the plurality of 'Mum's'.  We have been advised to refer to Raina's Birth Mother as 'tummy mummy' to help make a distinction; we have been doing this but she has not used the term yet herself.  When Raina asks about her birth parents, we are reassuring her by simply letting her know the name of the City that her birth parents live in.  She doesn't ask any more questions about them at the moment, but clearly we expect more and more as time goes by.


Today we took Raina along to the monthly New Family Social meet-up that takes place at Coram Fields.

http://www.coramsfields.org/

We have been along a few times in the past (pre-Raina) and both found it really useful as a way of meeting other same-sex prospective adopters and adopters alike.  Today we met up with some friends who we met on our prep course back in January 2011 and their son.  It was nice for Raina to meet their son; she really likes small children (he is about 18 months) and think about how far we have all come in the last year or so.  We also met some other lesbian parents with their children and although Raina was oblivious to the whole thing; I am comforted that in time she can she that her family is not the only same-sex adoptive family in the world!!!

Tantrums have been lessening over the last few days and she seems a bit calmer which is clearly a positive sign.

1st LAC Review

Raina slept all the way through the first LAC review meeting this afternoon. It made us both smile; at the end of the meeting we both laughed at how they took our word for it that she was in the house (she could have been out partying!) Our link SW arrived first and then Raina's SW and the Independent Chair (IC) arrived shortly afterwards. The IC led the meeting which lasted around 45 minutes. We reviewed the introductions and initial weeks of placement. We updated everyone on Raina's sleeping patterns; toilet routine; health issues; education and the types of activities we had been doing together. We also discussed contact with the Foster Family. Given how difficult Raina found the last telephone conversation, the IC suggested we leave it a while before dong it again. We will just continue to stay in touch with the Foster family ourselves (updating on progress etc) and carry on talking to Raina about them when she wants to. We also discussed contact with the birth parents. This is quite complex and we will probably meet the birth parents (without Raina) on our own within the next 3 months. After this we will plan for direct contact for Raina (timing being key). All three SW's strongly advised that this happens after the Adoption Order has been completed and we have the legal parental responsibility. They advise that this is better for us, the birth parents and ultimately for the children involved to do it this way. We can apply for the Adoption Order after 10 weeks of placement. The placement order granted by the court only stated annual letter-box contact, but we have always been open to direct contact. We want Raina to know where she 'comes from' and believe that direct contact is best for her in the short, medium and long-term however hard it will be for her (and us). Direct contact means that Raina can grow up hopefully without needing to fantasise about her birth parents; with answers to some of the questions she has. Not having opportunities for this is something that can leave some adopted children feeling isolated, depressed and ultimately distanced from their adoptive parents. Contact is likely to be a big mountain for us to climb; but we are not ready to start climbing it yet and neither is Raina, as it's only been two weeks!!! The next LAC Review is in 12 weeks. The next fortnight we have weekly visits from a SW and then after that monthly visits. In the meantime I have got a further 6 days off work and the next phase of our lives will be getting into the routine of me going to work and Raina and Momma having their days together. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, I'm really going to miss Raina but I know that it'll be good for the three of us to get into some semblance of 'normal' life. X x x

Meeting the wider family pt2

Raina has been an absolute joy and we have had more visitors today...no tantrums and totally melting everyone's hearts. She is a very friendly little girl; she wanted to hold her Grandma and Grandad's hands and help them to put their shoes on so we could all go to the park.  It will be two weeks tomorrow since Raina came home and it feels like she had always been here and we couldn't imagine her not being here.  The first LAC review is taking place tomorrow and we feel that there are no major concerns to report.

Raina has been sleeping better and has done a couple of nights sleeping all the way through...It's a positive sign and she is much calmer in the days.  We saw a photograph of her taken during introductions and there are big bags under her eyes and she looks very red-eyed and exhausted.  When we look at her now, we don't see the same bags under her eyes and she looks fresh-faced.  We have been trying to get Raina into a routine of napping in the morning before lunch (we get a different / demonic child in the afternoon if she doesn't get a sleep in the day) and this has been working reasonably well. She did not take routine naps at her Foster Carers just fell asleep on the spot should she want it.

We are working on trying to keep her dry in the day if we can; cue frequent trips to the toilet.....we have noticed that she really enjoys this and especially hand-washing afterwards.  We are using this as a bit of an incentive; so if she does a wee on the toilet then she is then able to wash her hands (otherwise she just gets her hands cleaned with a wipe).  The next big challenge is the stinky presents she leaves us in her pull-up's (beautiful but stinky girl!!!)  I think she might be on the brink of changing her routine as she asked me today if she could smell her pooey knickers. I willingly obliged and placed them under her nose; as she said "errrrr yucky".  I looked her in the eyes (as I lovingly wiped her stinky bottom) and calmly said; "yes, that is very yuckky, but you can go in the toilet whenever you want to; just tell me or Mamma when you want to go."  I hope she remembers that and considers this option before too long.  She used to get bathed by her Foster Carer when she did a poo; but we just clean her up and send her on her way (shocking parenting!) so I think the fact that she can't be guaranteed her baths anymore will help us in our quest.

Can't believe I just wrote a few hundred words about sleep, wee and poo.  The joys of parenthood....is this what I have become?

Happy days

x x x

Meeting the wider family - part 1

This afternoon Raina experienced meeting some wider family members for the first time, when Grandma, Uncle and Aunty came over. We had prepped Raina all morning, showing the photographs of the three of them and asking her who was coming, to check she understood. Momma went off to pick them up from the train station and when she returned and the front door opened, Raina realised there were new people at the door and ran into my arms to be lifted up. She was shy at first and spent about 10 minutes hiding behind me or Momma, or wanting to be held in our arms. She warmed up quickly and enjoyed playing with the building blocks that she was given as a present. Raina was a little performer, making jokes, being the centre of attention and everyone's affection. Not even a sniff of a tantrum. It was so good for us to see her in the company of others and how well she managed it. It was good to see that she recognises us as her main carers, because there have been so many people in her life caring for her basic needs. She's only lived with us for a week and a bit; known us almost three weeks but its comforting to know she comes to us for her own comfort. She was still asking after everyone when they left and I told her that they had gone back to their own homes but that she would see them all soon. A peaceful bath time followed, plus a pain-free story and bed. What a good girl!!! X x

First trip to play group...

Yesterday we had breakfast and Raina played at home for the morning. After lunch we went off to Rainas first play group session at a local Children's Centre. We were the first parents there and the play session leader took some brief details from me. She asked my name and I told her and said I was Raina's Mummy. I told her that she had lived with us a week and we were hoping to adopt her. She was surprised by how confident Raina seemed. Ruth was standing at the door with another parent who had just walked in and play leader asked me "and who's that?". I said "that's Ruth, her other Mummy; she's got two Mummies". "oh", she said, "that's lovely" (big grin on her face). Raina loved it and the time flew by. She is really sociable and keen to be involved with other children. The play group leader really took a shine to Raina and it was reciprocated. We will be taking her back there again, but also intend on trying out another children's centre and getting into as many free sessions as possible! Today was a normal day....tantrums and tears and funny one liners. Today we have printed a photo book at a well known high-street photographic shop. It has photographs of the wider family members and our closest friends with labels saying who's who. Frankie is enjoying looking at it and we are using it as a tool to introduce her to people before she meets them in the flesh. Raina is waking up in the night (every night) and screaming; often saying things like "help me Mummy!"; when we go in she seems to be having bad dreams and is not fully awake. We are keeping an eye on it and a sleep diary to see if it improves over time. We have had a wonderful week and a bit with it being just the three of us. We are ready (and feel Raina is ready) to introduce her to some more family members, so have been arranging visits from family members. Tomorrow Grandma (Ruth's Mum) and Aunty and Uncle (Ruth's brother and girlfriend) are coming for lunch at our house. It will be wonderful for other family members to finally meet Raina, after so much anticipation and waiting. We cant wait to see what Raina makes of everyone. looking forward to it!! X x x

A better day all round

Today was indeed a much better day all round. Raina was much more cooperative and less defiant from the moment she woke up. Mummy Ruth and Raina went off into town to run some errands whilst I vacuumed the house and mopped the floor (glamorous - I do know how to have fun). The three of us met up for lunch and Raina demolished her fish fingers, chips and peas followed by ice cream. Raina is really into her food; she is very often asking for food and can get quite distraught when she doesnt get any straight away. Raina's weight was discussed at the matching panel and the information provided by the LAC medical advisor was debated by the members of the panel for a good while. (she is apparently in the 98% percentile) One panel member suggested that Raina may be comfort eating to cope with her traumas (eating disorders and difficult food relationships are apparently quite common amongst adopted children). She is a pretty big girl; but she doesnt look fat the way some children do!!! Both Mummy Ruth and I have noticed independently that we both thought her stomach looked to have got a bit smaller in the week since she has been here, not that we are making her diet to loose weight.... Just making sure she gets a healthy varied diet and snacks. We are expecting a call from the Health Visitor tomorrow to arrange a check-up and weigh in for our little prize fighter. The SW is keen to know regular updates on Raina's weight and we are due to meet for the first LAC review next Thursday. Raina was getting crisps and chocolate on a regular basis at the FC and we have completely reduced this since she has been living with us. We are also trying to keep her active and today we went to a large indoor soft play centre, which she loved. We also took her to the doctors today. Raina has some marks on her body (arms, legs and tummy). When her SW came to visit the other day she noticed them and we all had a good look together. We told her that we had asked the FC about them ourselves and she had told us that Raina's birth parents had not used sun cream on Raina when they were having contact and she had been sun burnt. The SW was surprised about this. Today we took Raina to the doctors to check it out. The verdict is that she has Hyperpigmentation, which may be skin damage due to exposure to the sun or possibly caused by another skin condition. He said it was nothing to worry about and no permanent damage. On another good note, Raina had exzcema when we met her and this has all cleared up since she has been living with us. We tried to make bathtime and bedtime a bit later tonight, so we can slowly change her routine a bit. Ideally if we can get her into a routine of waking a bit later and gong to bed a bit later it'll really help when I go back to work. At the moment, the current routine would mean that I would miss dinner, bath, story and bedtime every night. That's not a good prospect. Thanks for great day Raina!!!

Tears and tantrums

Raina woke up at midnight screaming. When Mummy Hannah went into Raina's bedroom to look in on her, Raina was out of her bed (first time this has happened). She did go back to sleep and woke up again at 05:30am. After some tag-teamed Raina supervision, Raina and Mummy Hannah had breakfast at 7am. Raina was more challenging today from the off. When I told Raina it was time for the toilet, she refused (normally, she will come trotting along to go to the toilet when asked). She refused point blank (gave her a second chance - this was also refused)so I carried her to the toilet. Cue melt down. Raina was very upset, she was lashing out and said "for F's sake!". I asked her to repeat but Raina did not; she must have realised from the tone of my voice that this was not to be repeated. I left her to calm down for a few moments, then followed a "sorry Mummy", the explanation from me about why she needed to do as I asked and then another sorry and a hug to finish off. We took Mummy Ruth into town and dropped her off (admin tasks were visiting the Job Centre and sending the Child Benefit application off recorded delivery) I took Raina to the park for a while. We were the only parents and children in the park as it was still quite early. We had fun together and it was all going well. Then Raina decided she wanted to run off. I asked her to stop and she kept running. I asked again (firmer voice), she kept running. Repeated request and she turned around to look at me and stopped (briefly) then carried on. Needless to say when I caught her up, I put the reins back on her and told her we were leaving the park. Cue meltdown. Eventually she calmed herself down, said sorry and tantrum was concluded. When we got back to the car Raina and I had a good chat and she said "Nana's house?". I explained we weren't gong to Nanas house (Foster Carers mother) and we sat together and talked about the rest of the Foster Family. She asked for the photos we have of them and I told her that I would get them for her when we got home. I confess I was a bit tired out; so I drove the extra long way home in the car because it kept Raina calm and quiet for a bit. I neednt have bothered as once we got home, Raina was due a toilet visit. Cue identical melt down to this mornings - swearing included. Eventually she calmed down and all was well. This afternoon we met up with Mama (Mummy Ruth) and we all went swimming together for the first time. This was a lot of fun and Raina seemed to really enjoy it, as did we. After swimming, Raina and I went home together and Mama went off for an appointment at the hair dressers. The afternoon was one long series of melt-downs; Raina is clearly very angry with us for leaving her Foster family and I really felt her anger today. I know she feels guilty when she does things wrong; but doing something wrong gives her a chance to let rip with tears, shouting and screaming (which must give her some sense of release). We both just use the same technique of waiting for her to calm herself down a bit and then having a hug and explaining what aspects of her behaviour are naughty and why. She says sorry and we hug. Move on. Raina asked me about her Birth Daddy today (first time she's asked) and I explained that he lives somewhere else and that I am sure he misses her. She likes looking at the photos of the Foster Family and going through everyone's names. I also think this got a bit much for her today as she asked me to take the photos and put them away from her. Raina asked to speak to her FC on the phone again. I explained that we could do this but not today..... Tonight we debriefed together and analysed what happened and why. We are so thankful we have each other; not sure how single adopters cope without having that other special person to share this stuff with and to help each other. Each time Mama came back to us she spoke to Raina about her behaviour especially the toilet avoidance and swearing. She also backed up whatever I said to Raina out of her prescence - that way Raina sees that we are an open talking family. Hopefully encourages her to talk about her feelings. Bring on Todd Parr. Raina was exhausted by bedtime and I'm not surprised!! We are looking forward to tomorrow and a new day!!

Tired and emotional

Today Raina's SW came around to our house for the first LAC visit. Raina seemed surprised to see her at the door even if we had told her so many times. I think that she is someone who Raina has come to know quite well (unlike other children in Care, Raina has been fortunate enough to have kept the same SW the whole way through) but it must have been like old life and new life colliding! The visit went well; the SW seemed happy with everything. Our next LAC meeting is next week and we have them weekly for the first month and after that, visits reduce to once every three months until the Adoption Order is filed. We had also arranged for Raina's FC to call today to speak to Raina. We felt that Raina might benefit from speaking to her, even though she's too young to make sense of what's happening, we felt it important that Raina knows her FC is ok. The conversation went well. At the end of it, Raina went into Mummy Hannah's arms for a cuddle. The next two hours it was as if someone had switched her bad behaviour button to 'on mode'. She had melt down after melt down and Mummy Hannah even over heard her saying something that sounded distinctly like the F word. Oh my. We had a good chat (well, she's only 2 so Mummy Hannah did most of the talking.....) and after that she did seem to calm down and her behaviour improved. I explained to her that these times are hard and reassured her that it was okay to be upset and that everyone loved her. I asked if she understood and she said 'yes'. Again, how much she really does understand we can't be sure of, but talking about it did seem to help and we take that to be a positive sign for her ability to be able to cope with emotions in the future. A big day when your only 2 and have only lived with your forever family for 6 days. X x x

These shoes were made for walking

Today we took Raina into town to do a spot of shopping.  Where-as once our shopping list would be a selection of items for ourselves; todays list was totally Raina-centric:

Pull up's (Raina)
Swimming nappies (Raina)
Sun hat (for Raina)
Sun glasses (for Raina)
Swimming costume (for Raina)
Sandals (for Raina)

It was a succesful trip.  To buy the sandals, a lady in a well-known department store (with a well-known shoe outlet in it) asked us what size Raina's shows were.  We said we didn't know and picked her current shoes up and had to read the label (bad parent alert).  Turns out she is 7.5 and the width is G (this is like a new language to us)  This meant nothing to us, but the lady says "her feet are quite broad aren't they?"......ummmmm "yes" (if you say so). We asked her how long she thought the new sandals would last her.  She replied by asking us how long ago we had bought her the shoes.....silence.  Mummy Ruth (lies) convicingly and takes a stab in the dark and says 4 months.  I gauged her response and by her facial expressions she seemed to buy it. She then asks us "did she have a growth spurt just before you bought them?".....silence.  We both say "yes".  Phew....I think we got away with it.

The thing we are realising about becoming a family through adoption is that there are these funny moments; odd places; minor details that you just don't know and have no answers for. Then again, I think that also; like all parents, we just have to make it up as we go along.

Hannah and Ruth

The curse of the hair wash....

Our daughter is dual heritage and has light brown curly hair (very cute). You only have to look at it for 5 minutes and it's knotted. This morning Mummy Ruth took the bull by the horns (and the child by the head) and tackled the first hair wash. Oh my gosh. I have not heard Raina scream so much before. In fact, I didn't know that people that little could make that much noise. She wept (chin wobble) in the bath and I decided it was best for me to leave the bathroom so she didn't feel like we were both ganging up and tormenting her. Ruth managed it well; washed and conditioned and combed the hair and then used a leave in conditioner. We have been using the leave in conditioner on her hair every morning since she moved in and think that washing her hair as infrequently as possible is best but today was definitely time to be washed. Ruth thinks its payback for all the Sunday hair-pain that her own Mum inflicted on her!!!! Throughout the day we have been gently combing her hair through with our fingers to ease out the beginnings of any knots but I am dreading the next hair wash and in true parenting equality; I have been told that it's my turn next. I'm so glad Raina and I have got Ruth to guide us; having European hair means that I have missed out on a whole other world of hair related products, routines and techniques - although I've learnt a lot being with Ruth for the last 5 years. Wish me luck!

Lots of joy...

Raina woke up last night and was crying, Mummy Hannah went in and comforted her and she went off to sleep again.

This morning she was full of beans and for the first time in this process, we both woke up feeling rested and not tired. We went on a family trip to a local 'poor man's zoo' (Ruth's definition)and Raina loved looking at the 'manimals' and riding on the little electric train. The heat of the sun really wore her out and she had a nap in the car on the way home. The afternoon was spent playing together at home and she is really bringing us both real joy; she's such a character and a real comedienne. Today she has been saying 'Hannah pronounced Ya yah' a lot and our current approach is to gently correct her and say 'Mummy'. Sometimes she carries on saying Hannah afterward; we wait and after a few moments she calls 'Mummy'. Hopefully she will feel she can call Hannah 'Mummy' all the time before too long. We know that she doesnt know what Mummy means ; it's just a word to her at the moment. Start as you mean to go.

Tonight she went down to bed and did not cry at all. Are we being lulled into a false sense of security? Maybe; but for now we are thinking this is a good sign.

Hannah & Ruth

A great day!

So today was the first time Raina had woken up in her new bed and in her new home with her forever family.  She slept quite well last night, although she woke up at about 2am screaming and we both leapt up. Mummy Ruth went in to comfort her and moments later she was asleep again. She woke up in the morning at 7am and was fine.  This morning we took a walk to the doctors surgery to register Raina.

We have had a great day - lots more cuddles and kisses (and some quality tantrums). Raina is really into some of the 'theraplay' activities suggested for encouraging attachment. and it seems to have been initiated by her which is nice.  Raina and Mummy Hannah have been playing with a blanket today; she sits underneath it and cries "I'm scared!" and Mummy Hannah says; "It's okay, I can find you - I have got you" and then they hug.  This happens a few more times.  Raina likes to be wrapped up in the blanket and Mummy Hannah or Mummy Ruth coo's over her; "Oh, look at my baby!, she's the most beautiful baby I've ever seen." Raina is obviously comfortable with us as she looks into our eyes as we craddle her in our arms and looks to be lapping up the attention.

She is almost constantly asking for food, so we are having to try and distract her from it when she gets her heart set on wanting something.  We are keeping an eye on her; making a list of the foods she likes and those she doesn't seem to like. At the moment the latter list is very sparse.  The only way you know she doesn't like something is by her funny facial expressions; she still eats it.   There was discussions at the matching panel about Raina's weight and some suggestions were made by some panel members that she was comforting herself with food to help her manage her traumas. All we can do is continue to keep a routine and a balanced diet and the promotion of attachment to us as her new carers.

We also called the FC today, just to let her know that Raina was okay.  She was really pleased to hear that she was settling in okay but said she was really missing her.  Raina has been dropping the foster family names into conversations quite a bit so we are thinking about what is best for her.  We do encouarge her to talk about them and we have photos of them for her to look at.  We think she may need to speak to her on the phone soon to let her know that the FC is okay and we definitely know we shall be meeting up in the future to help Raina make some sense of the move.


So, all in all it's going well. She went down to sleep tonight and was not distraught....remains to be seen how she sleeps tonight.

Introductions over!!!

The introductions are over. Our baby is asleep upstairs and is home forever! What a day.....We waited at the end of the FC's street; not wanting to be any later or any earlier than the agreed 10:00am. At exactly 10am we pulled up outside the front door. The FC and Raina were standing at the front door and the door was open. The FC has always told us: no long goodbyes when Raina leaves. Just in and out. Mummy Hannah waited outside in the sun with Raina and Mummy Ruth went inside to pick up the last few things and to give the FC the presents from us to them. The FC was visibly upset and was finding it all quite difficult. Raina's SW had also apparently called to let her know she was running a bit late.....This was the last thing we all needed, slowing down the departure. After a few minutes, the SW arrived and we said our goodbyes. The FC made it very brief and said "bye Raina, take care." Raina responded by mimicking back, "take care". We got Raina strapped into her car seat as quickly as possible; Raina's SW handed us an envelope (Raina's Birth Certificate and a copy of the Placement Order from the courts). We pulled away and as we drove off I shed a few tears...... We made a picnic and we all went to the local park for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Raina has been good as gold today, just the tantrums etc we have come to get used to (normal 2 year old)!!! Her confusion, grief and being unsettled is playing out through tantrums. To encourage attachment we have been doing lots of wrapping in blankets with cuddles, piggies (this little piggy went to market and to vary sometimes went to Westfield and had pork-chops), peek-a-boo, washing her in the bath like a baby, blowing raspberries on her tummy, rubbing in lotion. We had lots of fun together at home in the afternoon, lots of cuddles and cuteness. Mummy Hannah made dinner and Raina ate all of hers. We bathed her and Mummy Hannah did a quick story (Todd Parr's - The Family Book') which Raina liked. Mummy Ruth put her to bed. Raina has not slept in her bed yet so we held our breath as she started to cry. She cried for 'Mummy' and her FC for a brief time and now she is snoring away upstairs. Bring on tomorrow as it will be the first of everything for all.

Introductions - We have lost track of what the day is

4:45am, alarm goes off. Knowing that there was the light at the end of this tiring tunnel got us motivated to get up. Traffic jams thwarted our plans to get there early again and we took numerous detours to finally get to our destination. It took about 2 hours getting there. Raina was in a really playful mood when we got in. Mummy Ruth (Mama) went first and Mummy Hannah (Mummy) got the second go for some 121 interaction. Nice way to start our day together.  We decided to hop on the train and go home. It does probably seem a bit crazy to have just headed back home and not go out somewhere more local. We hadn't expected to arrive so late and we didn't like the idea of breaking the consistency by Raina not being in our house today, at least for a little while.   She was good on the train and we took a detour with Raina and test drove some buggies, finally settling on one and wheeling it out of the shop ready for action. We put Raina in it and headed home for a while. Later, we headed back to the FC's for the review meeting. Present at the meeting were; Raina; Mummy Ruth, Mummy Hannah, the FC, the FC's link SW, Rainas SW, our own link SW and the family finding SW. Never knew you could squeeze so many SW's into one room!!  We reviewed the introductions on all sides and discussed how the week had progressed from day one until now. Observations of the FC were all positive. Raina was quite playful and cuddly; right on cue, giving Mummy Hannah cuddles and kisses.  We all went around the room and agreed that it was in Rainas best interests to move to our home tomorrow and to become a forever family as soon as possible.  We agreed the next few dates for the SW's to come to visit us and they hugged us both and left. It was a great feeling.  We all went with the FC to collect her daughter from after school club together. We agreed it would be good all around for us to leave (get some rest) and leave Raina to have her last night with her lovely foster family, so we didn't stay to do bath and bed. Tomorrow the emotions will be high, sad, happy, excited, relieved and so many more I am sure.  Raina is only 2; she doesn't realise how many people's lives she has touched.  She is a blessing in our lives and we are two more people to be blessed by her.   Our beautiful little girl is coming home forever. Wow.  X

Introductions -

A combined post today; for yesterday and today.  Yesterday we left the house at 6am and drove the hour to the FC's house to collect Raina and bring her home for the day. I think she remembered everything from her trip on Saturday because she seemed quite comfortable in the surroundings.  We had decided to stay in the house for this period of the introductions so Raina can get used to her new home.  She is only 2 so getting used to new objects and paraphernalia around the place is important for building the foundations for our relationship. She is learning where things are kept; what she is allowed to touch (and not) and how our home is run.  Yesterday we played together downstairs and upstairs, especially in her bedroom. We are telling her / asking her things like "where is Raina's room?" and "where is Raina's bed?" to reaffirm things for her. At the end of the day yesterday we took her back to her FC's house for us to bathe her and put her to bed.  She was excited to see her FC and the rest of her foster family and you could tell that she is confused by what's happening.  She cried when Mummy Hannah put her down to sleep. After about ten minutes there was a bang. The FC and Mummy Hannah went upstairs and Raina wa standing there, bold as brass, having just climbed out of her cot. Mummy Hannah told her off and put her back in her cot. The FC says she's never done that before. Maybe a sign that she is aware that something is going on.   The thing with the introductions is that you find yourself so tired, ironically it almost means you can't play with the child. This is by far the most draining thing either of us has ever done.  Hannah was asleep by 10pm and snoring her head off and I was not far behind. Up again this morning at 5am and at the FC house for 7:15am. Stayed a short while then set off to drive home. Getting stuck in a traffic jam made the hour journey into a 2 and three quarters journey in a boiling hot car.  This really tested poor little Raina who got really fed up. She also knows how to open her car seat - well done Britax.  Blooming heck; so much to think about with a toddler!!! We had a good day; getting used to the tantrums!!!(wow, the joys of toddlerhood!! - you can see her getting frustrated because she can't say what she wants and relying on us to know what she is saying is a big ask!) We took Raina back to her Foster Carers this evening. The FCs eldest daughter was there with her young daughter who is similar in age to Raina. They are all very sad about Raina leaving and have given us presents and photos for Raina to look at when she wants to look at them all.  We have just put up the stair gate and need to put Rainas bed guard on her bed. She is used to sleeping in a cot and we have got her a bed; it'll be interesting to see how she settles into sleeping in her new home. I'm washing the new waterproof sheet for her bed tonight. We are advised by everyone to wash her things in the same washing powder as the FC; to help her with the transition.  Thank God it is non-bio. Tomorrow we are collecting Raina at 7:30am and will be returning to the FC's for the review meeting at 4pm. Can't believe that she has one more sleep at the FC's...

Introductions - Day 6

Today was a shorter day as the introductions planner says that Raina will have a 'goodbye party' with her Foster family this afternoon and we have been instructed to rest.

We drove down to the FC's  house and collected Raina and took her out for a few hours to a play area / large park.  We had a great few hours and she really enjoyed playing in the children's park.  This was also a great place for us to experiment with letting Raina 'off the reins'!, as there were no dangers.  We experimented with this and generally she is good; however sometimes (like a normal 2 yr old) she refuses to listen and runs off.  We are beginning to set down the ground rules and she is starting to become familiar with our expectations of her behaviour. She is responding well to us and we really enjoy her company; she is such a joyful little girl.

So now we are going to open a bottle of champagne which Hannahs's work colleagues gave us and enjoy an evening to ourselves....  There are only 3 more days left for Introductions; we can't believe how quickly the time has gone.  We both feel like we have known the FC for much longer as well, which we take to be a positive sign.  The review meeting is set for Wednesday afternoon and at that point we meet all the SW's again with the FC to discuss how the introductions have gone.  All being well; Raina comes home with her forever family on Thursday morning.

Tomorrow we are getting up early again - 5am; so tonight we shall be getting an early night!

H & R

Introductions - Day 5

Introductions - Day 5 Raina is in our house, sat on the floor happily playing with her toys and amusing herself. Mummy Ruth is upstairs and I am watching our daughter playing in her new home. The FC and her youngest daughter brought Raina over to see her new forever home this morning and have headed off to do some shopping for a few hours. This is weird and so lovely as this feels like what the rest of our lives could be like; normal family stuff.  I went to pick up Raina, the FC and her daughter from the train station. Was almost late, faffing around putting Raina's car seat in (was breaking into a sweat). Raina met me with a smile and a hug which was nice.  When we got to the house, Mummy Ruth met Raina at the door and Raina went straight into the usual routine of shoes and jacket off. She explored for about 15 minutes. She liked her bedroom "wow!".  We had spent some time yesterday adorning the house with some familiar toys from the FC's house. This seemed to really help Raina, as there were some familiar objects dotted around the place. The FC daughter came upstairs with  Raina and I asked her what she thought: she said "Raina's going to love it". Phew. The seal of approval, brilliant. Also good knowing that the FC's daughter is happy with our home and can see that Raina will have a nice house to live in and be looked after.  Raina explored all the rooms and found some clothes in the drawers in her bedroom which a friend had passed down to us for Raina. Our friend gave us a pink tutu.   Raina was desperate to wear it; she wore it all afternoon. Mummy Hannah had put in an old pair of sunglasses into Raina's toy box and she wore them most of the afternoon too!  We played, did dressing up, drawing and dancing. Mummy Hannah made everyone lunch and we sat together at the dining table to eat. We have copied a lot of the food that we have seen her eating at the FC's house; so it was Ham sandwiches all round. (although Raina said "fish!" when she examined her sandwich!!!). Pretty much a 10 out of 10 day.

'You' by Emma Dodd

We have had many gifts but this is by far the best one (but please we are happy for further attempts). http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/images/1848776497/ref=dp_image_z_0?ie=UTF8&n=266239&s=books

Introductions - Day 4

 It's midnight and I have given up and gone to bed. Ruth is still tidying and sorting out the house for tomorrow when Raina comes to see her new home for the first time. Since introductions started we have barely been at home but when we have we have certainly not felt inclined to wash up / tidy up etc..... Well today we arrived at the FC's house a bit late- we were so tired this morning it was untrue. Raina was dressed and soon after arrival we walked the FC's youngest child to the bus stop with Raina to go to school.  We feel much more comfortable walking outside now than on the first day or day two; she is getting better at following our instructions.  Everyone was so tired when we got back to the house, it became a bit like melt-down central. The FC also has a 1 year old baby and her and Raina attempted  to 'out cry' each other!  Raina wouldn't have a nap, she fought it despite everyone else wanting to sleep. By about 10:30am, it felt like it was 4pm! We decided to gather up some energy and to take Raina to the park and out for lunch.  Raina is good at getting her shoes and jacket on and likes to help her Mummies to do theirs as well. The other baby tried to get involved but Raina wouldn't allow her and said "that's my Mummy's jacket", which was very cute! It also showed us that she does understand the difference between calling someone Mummy as their name and calling someone Mummy because they are their Mother for attachment. We have learnt that children (especially young ones) call their FC's 'Mum'. This is more true for FC's who have their own children. For such a young age Raina has had so many people care for her basic needs that it is all too confusing. Poor little mite still has to move in with us and then cope with things we change to be in line with our parenting style - slowly slowly. We took Raina on the bus and the train. We are trying to put her on a toilet every 30 mins, which means we have now encountered a few baby change set-up's, some better than others - shame on you M&S!!!! We had lunch and whilst Mummy Ruth was in the toilet, Raina decided to try running off.  She threw herself on the floor and shrieked saying "ouch, get off me!". This was horrible and I started to feel out of my depth. I know she's only 2, I am the parent in that aforementioned scenario; however, it's so hard to know how to manage this behaviour with a child whos only known me a couple of days.  Mummy Ruth helped to calm (me) and Raina down. We have a routine where if one of us has told Raina off and she is not listening or she has run off to the other we do not speak to Raina first but ask the other 'What happened Mummy?'. That way we would know whether consoling her or repeating what she has been told is in the cards. There is the habit of her running to another person to try and get away from doing what she has been asked to do. So anyone out there looking after Raina please continue this.  We then spent 45mins playing in a park. Leaving the park was a lot easier than it was in day 2 so yea both of us!!  The weird moment came when we had to change Raina's nappy. It was another smelly gift for her Mummies. We asked another parent if there was changing facilities in the park; she said no but the way she saw it is if the LA can't provide facilities then just do it on a bench somewhere. We agreed so wandered off to find a bench out of the way. We were much better the second time around (being in the open air sure helped!) and it was swift and pain-free for all concerned. The weirdness of it?; as we walked away, we realised we had just changed Raina on the very same bench where we had sat with our SW during an assessment session. We had come away from that session feeling a million miles away from the approval panel, let alone parenthood. Nice moment for us both.  Another thing we realised is that the grounds is also where we met many moons ago.  For the remainder of the afternoon  we played and started talking to her about coming home to leave with us. Talking about our area what she will find to do etc. Mummy Hannah fed, bathed and put her to bed. This went very smoothly even though there was a full house of interesting people that Raina wanted to stay up with - FC's eldest daughter, her partner and little daughter.  We had agreed to continue contact with Raina's FC' family. We think they are not believing us as sometimes the FC or one of her children or even FC's brothers would ask us again and again. One can see that they love Raina ever so much. This is reassuring for us as if they were eager to move her out alarm bells would be ringing in our heads. However, it has also made it extra difficult (emotionally) to do things our way because they are so good at it and Raina knows they can also meet her needs. You just feel like you are on a test. That is why we have made sure we take Raina out as often as possible.  All in all it was  7 out 10 today. Exciting times ahead.