Please, please, please.....

We have been running around; passing documents back and forth with our social worker. We are writing additions to our report, editing the draft and then answering more questions!

Now it is almost D Day. The report is due in on Monday, if we stand a chance of getting to be seen by the panel in December to be approved and matched with Raina's sibling.
Having felt like all the hard work was done, being convinced not to worry..... Now we are beginning to assume the brace position as this could come to a grinding halt. For the last couple of months we have been feeling that the upcoming court hearing was our biggest hurdle. In terms of our report, we thought we were almost done and dusted. But right now; no one seems concerned by the court hearing. Everyone is now panicking about panel and scraping through that!!

This week (less than 5 days before our report should be submitted) we are told that the LA should have done another DBS (old school CRB check). They should have also done another medical check with our GP. Ok. Just a suggestion; but maybe, just maybe, this could have been done back in September when you started our new assessment!!! We are just hoping and praying that this doesn't delay our panel appearance.

We are crossing everything we can that everything works out for us next week and that we get to go to panel and be matched with sibling, so we can bring her home in time for Christmas.

Love

Love is a funny concept, for some it takes time to develop with adopted children, for some it may not come for a very, very long time. I know other adopters who have struggled with loving their child, wracked with guilt that they haven't necessarily felt the feelings they 'should'. Not unlike post-natal depression, I know that post adoption depression is a reality for some adopters. I feel like this isn't 'out there' enough in the public domain of adoption, nor is it a reality that adoption services tell you much about.

I was thinking of this today and thinking how lucky I am, how lucky we are. I loved Raina from the moment I met her.   When I look at her photograph I can feel my heart fluttering and when we play together, or when she makes me laugh, I feel like I am really alive.   Raina has been with us for 18 months now and my attachment to her grows deeper everyday.

At night sometimes, as I put her to bed, we jokingly say 'love you', to then reply, 'love you more!'.  But the fact is; I do love her more. I love her enough for the both of us. She is always wondering when we will be sending her away, when we will reject her. This is shown out through her behaviour and attachment to us everyday. In terms if settling in, we feel a deep anxiety in her everyday. But everyday, she relaxes a teeny tiny bit more, cue the development of her love for us.

Raina is just amazing and we are so proud of how far she has come.

Just saying.......!

X

Sibling update

Hello,

We've been gone a while and it feels like its time for an update.

We have had four contact sessions with Raina and her new sibling. Raina is getting more used to these visits now and at the last one, took a real interest in her little sister. As we came to leave, Raina talked soothingly and even managed to produce a smile on her little sisters face; the first one any of us had seen. Raina wanted to help feed her sister and rub her back to help wind her. All very good bonding for these two siblings and lovely to see.

Since our last posting, the LA have been to court and the judge hearing the case has given dates in early December for a final hearing. At this point, we are told the placement order will be granted and it will be full steam ahead.  We met the little ones SW for the first time last week and this was helpful as we got updates on the birth parents and on the overall plans and timescales for placement.

It really does feel like this is going to happen; but we know all too well that panel dates can change, court dates are subject to alterations and cancellations and nothing is ever straight forward.

We were told by the SW that they were looking for approval and matching on the same day (mid December) followed immediately by introductions, to have the little one home with us for Christmas.
There are many more hurdles to get over first, but if this all goes to plan, Christmas 2013 could be very, very special. For now, all we can do is wait patiently.

Fingers crossed.

A strange place....

Our Social Worker came around this week and we have started an assessment with her again.  We talked for about three hours, mostly about how we would parent two children should baby come to live with us.  We have to reflect on our parenting styles, support network and our strengths as a couple.  It's like going back in time, but this time it feels different, as we are not having to prove ourselves in quite the same way.  It's strange welcoming our social worker back into our home, having said goodbye and thinking that chapter had closed, to have it opened again.  It took real resolve not to smile to myself as she showered us with praise, about her belief that we could parent two children; having been in such disagreement with us on this point throughout our first assessment and even to the matching panel. BUT we wouldn't change our Social Worker because her insight meant we got Raina and this has led to a may be sibling (ok I will voice it here "our daughter") 

So we have more waiting to do.  No further news this week with regards to the legal process for baby. 

This week we also took Raina to see her sister again for contact the Foster Carers home.  We spent some time chatting with the Foster Carer.  We did some more baby care, including feeding and changing Lily.  Foster Carer was pleased to see us and to have a rest in the armchair.  Lily has been waking up in the night every three to four hours.  Lily looked different from last week, she looked less like a newborn, the face was less squashy.....amazing that she can have changed so much in only a week!

Meeting and Squeaky Giraffe!

Hello,

It's been 10 days since we heard about Raina's sibling.  Well this whole set-up is just crazy and things couldn't be more different from how they were when we went through the process to be linked and matched with Raina.

We have been in commmunication with our Social Worker, or siblings SW most days, who have been forthcoming with information. (Difference Number 1)  Things feel to be moving along quickly. (Difference Number 2)

Today, we visited the Foster Carers house for Raina to be able to meet her little baby sibling.  This was a very odd situation and if sibling hadn't come along and been living there, it's unlikely we would have ever taken Raina back to the house.  We were worried that this could be retraumatising for Raina, but she had asked to go there and meet her sibling, so it seemed like she felt comfortable going back. When we walked down the street to the house, it brought all the emotions of matching and introductions flooding back.  Mummy, Momma and Raina all agreed that they felt nervous and excited (and sick!)

At the house, Foster Carer greeted us at the door and kneeled down for Raina to give her a hug, which she did. Momma went into the house and through to the living room, whilst Raina asked for a toilet visit.  It was weird being back in the bathroom for me, where we had started toilet training our daughter 17 months ago.   Memories started flooding back to me and I realised how much I love Raina.

Then I took Raina into the front room, introducing her to her baby sibling.  Raina was very sweet and caring, touching her gently. Momma asked Raina if she wanted to hold Lily.  Raina gave a hug and it was a very wonderful moment to be introducing her to her sibling.  Raina gave over the present she had chosen for her Lily.  Raina stood a while taking it all in and then started playing with the Foster Carer.  Raina seemed very relaxed and played with the Foster Carers grand daughter, running around the house together giggling, like they last saw each other yesterday, rather than over a year ago.

Momma and I took it in turns to hold Lily.  Momma did a nappy change and we both bottle fed. We have agreed to meet in a couple of weeks again.

Social Workers have all agreed that these visits can go ahead and that they have no problems with us meeting up in this way. We cannot allow ourselves to become attached personally, we must remain focused on contact for Raina's benefit.  The  Local Authority have not yet been to court and been able to secure a Placement Order.  This means that Adoption for Lily is not happening any time soon.  They are completing the reports required by the court at the hearing, but this can take some time.   Once this comes into place (thinking positively) we know that there are no other prospective adopters being considered, they would want us to move ahead. Until we know the legal bits are done; this is rather like a dream.

This unknown is stopping us from completely relaxing and enjoying this moment, but we are finding it hard not to start getting attached to the amazing, perfect new born baby we met today.

Hannah & Ruth

We're back and there's news!

So we found a rhythm to life; then we got a  a bolt of lightning.

On Monday we heard the news that Raina's Birth Parents gave birth to a baby just under four weeks ago. This is Raina's full sibling and Monday  was the first time we had heard any of this news. 

As you can imagine, we went straight into shock and have continued to be shell-shocked ever since. This is why I felt compelled to write an entry here, as our blog was always a place of sanctuary for posting our adoption related thoughts.  We don't want to mention anything to our families as we are not prepared for the questions; to which we have little by way of answers.  Also it may come to nothing...

We are so surprised but more than anything else we are left with lots of questions.  Fortunately, over the last two days, we have been lucky to have been given updates from social workers about her progress and her situation. She has been discharged from hospital. We are told she is doing ok. In a bizarre twist of fate, she has moved to Raina's last foster carer to live under an Emergency  Care Order.  This is strangely comforting for us, knowing Raina's tiny baby sister will be well looked after.  

At the moment it seems there are no answers to the questions about 'what happens next'. As we are unsure about the plans for this child, we have held emergency 'family summits' to discuss what, if any involvement we envisage with Raina's little sister. We did not hesitate to write to social services and state our interest in adopting this child, should (and its no guarantee) a plan for adoption be decided as the best course of action. Failing that, we indicated that we would like direct contact between the siblings, feeling this would be in both their interests. 

We are now planning the best way to let Raina know she has a sister, as this feels like something she needs to know. Being able to let her know that she's staying with the foster carer that she loved so much might help any fears she might have about her and her safety. 

Moving forward, we may need to explain that she is living with birth parents (if Social Services deem them able to look after her). This is what we feel will be hard; explaining to Raina how they could 'change' for her sister; when they couldn't for her. Ouch. That would really hurt. 

So anyway, we are in a strange place and what's more the completely unexpected nature of the news being  totally out of the blue, has left us shell-shocked and rational thinking is very hard. 

We've got so many questions and various scenarios would have the potential to change all of our lives. 

For now we are just trying to be glad that Raina has a full- sibling. Someone who she is genetically linked to; who shares her story; and could be a connection to her birth family when me and Momma pass away. In a nice way; she's not alone anymore. An odd concept, considering she doesn't even know she exists yet!

I've just read this back and although it sounds like the rumblings of a mad woman; I actually do feel slightly calmer for the cathartic process of having written this post. Thanks for reading. 

Will keep you updated. 

Hannah and Ruth

Sorry seems to be the hardest word....

Found this webpage following my annoyance of Raina finding it difficult to say sorry when she should but can easily say it if it was to her gain.

http://www.babble.com/kid/dont-say-sorry-children/

Guest bloggers Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris....

So we thought we would do our good deed for the ....year(?!) and offer to look after little Raina giving the newly Civil Partnered couple a day to do something for themselves and spend some quality time together. We’ve met Raina a couple of times now and compared to some other little ones we knew of the same age Raina has always been an angel, so we thought a day out in Legoland would be a breeze. Following our interview with Ruth (Momma) of our intentions and child experience the happy couple accepted our offer and agreed a date.

A couple of days before our big day out we found out the cost  of taking a family of 3 to Legoland and MY GOD it’s not cheap, so the night before Uncle Chris went on a hunt for a Kit Kat to get half price tickets. 

Neither of us had ANY experience of looking after children so anxiously we arrived at the family home.  Ruth told us she had let Raina know the night before what was happening and Raina had told her that she was excited but was going to be shy!  Well if screaming Legoland and jumping up and down was shy as we walked through the door then I would hate to see Raina excited!

After a lesson in car seat  adjustment we set off with ‘If you’re Happy and you know it’ blaring from the CD player. This lasted all of five minutes as Chris discreetly turned the radio on and Raina didn’t seem to notice or care.  Phew. Raina kindly directed us from her favourite book, the A-Z albeit she was reading it upside down.

On arrival after a quick loo stop we showed Raina a map of Legoland and asked where she wanted to go. “Cafe!” she repeated over and over pointing at the Lego Cafe Man.  We managed to cleverly distract her with the slide as we entered the park which she went down about 6 times before we managed to drag her away.  

We soon learnt that Raina liked being in photos when she began posing in other people’s photos!!  She was so excited to get into one family photo that she landed face first in the mud. The first and not the last time we made use of the wonderful invention of baby wipes. Raina had a warning from Uncle ‘Cwis’ not to run off again and she listened and stuck by our sides for the rest of the day. 

Raina was so very well behaved and thoroughly enjoyed herself including going on rides, going in a submarine, hill top train and having her face painted although she wanted to keep referring to it as ‘Paint Face’. The submarine was not the first one she had been on as apparently she had been on one with Mummy Hannah in their town, surprising what you can find these days in a UK town centre. 

Lunchtime was an experience which I learnt not to let Uncle Chris take a child to a buffet. We knew from the Raina's brief that she would eat anything but when Auntie Sarah took her along the line she said she didn’t want sausages, chicken, soup, salad, lasagne, curry or anything on the list. Auntie Sarah advising her that she would have to chose something or she would not be able to carry on playing she chose bread and ketchup. Auntie Sarah made her a sausage sandwich with some mash and baked beans which she hoovered up.  Uncle Chris on his 3^rd plate of food (he loves to eat) left little Raina feeling as if she was missing out so on the third trip asked if she could get some more bread which Auntie Sarah agreed. Raina managed to convince Uncle Chris to get her fish fingers, chicken, chips, more sausages, more beans and more mash and some vegetables. All of which she had told me she didn’t want!!!  Auntie Sarah was less than impressed and told Uncle Chris Raina’s little belly would explode...Uncle Chris then said he would just take the plate away to which Auntie Sarah decided she need a visit to the loo!  Uncle Chris managed to swipe the plate convincing Raina she was full and getting a waitress to take it all away.

The weather was beautiful and ice creams were enjoyed by all. Raina provided entertainment for many in the queues with her booty dancing and her tiger roaring.

The shop was also a challenge when Raina picked up about ten things and told us with her puppy dog eyes she wanted them all. Uncle Chris managed to convince her only one would be purchased which Auntie Sarah ensured was something educational and would not take up the whole of Mummy and Momma’s living room. A Lego watch and clock to help Raina learn how to tell the time as throughout the day she wanted to know what the time was.

We escaped scar free and Uncle Chris slept all the way home. Raina was buzzing off the ‘red drink’ she had convinced Uncle Chris to buy her.

Home and reunited with Mummy and Momma we were worn out. Raina gave back Mummy her keyring that was attached to her ruc sac. It was appreciated as Raina kept asking to see it and sometimes wanted to hold it. I think she didn't trust us not to lose it. We wondered how they did this day in and day out and went to work. Whilst we recovered on the sofa; bedtime routine and kisses led to a little Raina straight asleep.

The adults enjoyed a scrumptious dinner and then a long drive home for auntie and uncle with good memories and the offer to do it all again :-) 

Letting others (family/friend) look after your little one..pt II

SO the simple words that my mum used to say to us 'you are going out with Aunty Simbo' is a long distance memory. 

Below is the Raina blurb we sent to Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris - all in the aid that Raina feels safe inside as well as outside. This time around following an away time from us we did not experience unsettling behaviour, rejection, diarrhoea, a 2 hour screaming session just before bed it was real life family smooth runnings. 

"In regards to caring for Raina;

Above all of what is below is that you talk about us (Mummy and Momma). On the face of it she will look fine but if you place your hand on her chest you will feel her heart beating really fast. Remember we came to collect her from someone she thought she was staying with forever. Let alone the other two times moved from birth parents and first foster care.

When you set off say "see you later house see you later mummy and momma we are going to legoland and will come back" get her to repeat it.

Later in the journey to and through out  the day talk about how the day will be to her e.g. we are going to ....(we will have shown her photos) and we will be doing .... we will stop for lunch....then we will.... we will also have snacks and drinks....do some more....and then bring you back to mummy and momma. We will give her something of ours to look after and return to us. Apparently it encourages 'permanence'. Please refer to it by saying "oh when we take you back home you can give mummy or momma back her necklace" 

The next most important thing is that you are consistent with what she can and can't do with you otherwise you are in for the most horrendously energetic day of your life...and we pay for it later. It will also unsettle her and she won’t feel safe. 

Food: She eats a lot if not stopped. She will keep going and it will not be a case of when full she will stop but when sick she will be upset and want to eat more to replace. There is no inside stop button. As far as she is concerned you are not taking her back and she is not sure of when her next meal will be so best answer is to fill up now. Food is a security issue with children and it is further enhanced with children who have attachment issue/trauma etc. (Not as bad as it sounds).

Water: Give her water with lunch, she knows she needs to drink it and how much, don't let her try to tell you she doesn't or ask for something else. Any other drinks on top of that e.g. a juice or fruit shoot etc, come as an extra and not as a replacement for water later on in the day. No fizzes please. 

Behaviours - she may regress due to anxiety (this will look like wanting to crawl, talk like a baby or be held) that is fine for the first 5 minutes but after that just say to her right "you are a big girl now and big girls get to do big things like running and jumping and nice talking with good talking words"

Toilet - she should be telling you when she needs to go. If she starts to not concentrate on what you are saying or looking like she is disassociating she needs the toilet. If you ask her if she needs the toilet and she says no thank you really quickly ask her to think about it and that when you start doing things there will be no other opportunity then ask her again. If its a number 2 she will either do the crying game or just gets on with it. Just say crying will not get you off the toilet and everyone poos. When she says she has finished tell her to do two more pushes - you count out loud. Hand her tissue she uses left hand to wipe and when she thinks she is finished you do a check wipe. 

Speech - best of luck understanding her. I'm sure you will tune in. It is better. If you hear her saying "like that" or "like this" just give her the words and ask her to repeat it. 

Manners - she should be using her p's and thank you's. don't be afraid to say no to her. Just follow it with why it is a "no" now. Not only is ‘no’ negative but it is very rejecting of a person so complete it with reasons or choices. She has had a heavy experience of rejection.

Tears - if telling her off don't look directly in her eyes if she is crying. If tears fall down then she is really upset. But if no tears she is trying to manipulate you. If she hurts herself she might tell you. Most of the time she doesn't feel the hurt so if you see it happen point out to her that oh did you just bang your ...

If she is sulking she will pretend to be hurt so to change the subject or make friends. Please don't allow her. Just tell her that it is not good behaviour and explain why you are upset and what she can do correct it - choices.

Wow!! It is not as bad as it reads. This is just a get to know Raina crammed into an email. Once she knows you stick to boundaries she won't try it on so much blah blah but then she is 3 years old.

Letting others (family/friend) look after your little one...pt I

If you remember November 2012 (I think) Uncle Junior and Aunty Lamora offered to have Raina for the afternoon and take her to the Aquarium...amazing what 7 months of lessons teaches you. Well Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris this time offered to have Raina overnight and then following a lengthy conversation changed their minds to an initial day trip with them. Why would we delay an overnight childsitter????

Being a parent is not easy BUT being an Adoptive parent is a whole different level of pepper soup. There are things you do or your child does that you need to be 10 steps in front of. If your style is learn as you go then you are slowly killing any chance your family will have to move forward.

You need to do all the reading and absorbing of your childs history before you meet them. You need to know the author names and their books inside out - Dan Hughes, Heidi Argent, Bryan Post, Helen Oakwater, Louise Bomber - to name a few. You need to know about Post Adoption Depression, trauma and the body. The learning continues and doesn't stop. YES the birth parents of you out there are saying that this is no different to parenting a birth child. I don't expect you to get it. I have learnt that the only people that know and accept what I say and do are those that have fostered or adopted. I no longer argue or try to convert anyone about why I am 'strict'. The fact is that in each behaviour or emotion expressed by your adopted child there can be (and only you will know) an underlying issue that they need extra support in dealing with straightaway. It is for you as an adoptive parent to find out if that behaviour/emotion is age related or triggered by 'adoption'.

I'll give you an example to make sense of my waffling...I asked the nursery if they see a difference in Raina's behaviour during term time in comparison to holiday club. Their response is 'oh she is so energetic, running around, doing everything, talking a lot etc during term time but during holiday club she is very quiet in comparison, doesn't do as much but concentrates on the task she is doing etc. We think that the term time Raina is her natural state'. Hands up which learner you would expect to progress further in the UK school system. What someone sees as energetic is actually a little girl experiencing hyper arousal drawn from anxiety of not enough structure.

At home during term time Raina is a 'mess'. Always close to tears, lacks confidence, anxious. Come see her during half term or the weekend she is a different person.

This in short is what 7 months has taught us. We were told it at prep group but like all newbies didn't respect it enough. So this time when there is ever a slight change in our routine there is a long build up and long chat of repetitive words....

....I'll follow onto the next blog entry.

Not Goodbye...

Just noticed that Hannah posted the last blog with a  Goodbye. It is not Goodbye at all but just that the post will not be as frequent as they used to be. Life is on a level family road so not as much to chat about.

So see you now and then....

One Year: Adoption Order: Goodbye For Now!

A week, or so ago,  we had a very special and memorable occasion.  It was the Pronouncement Hearing at the Family Court for Raina's Adoption Order.  It happened to fall on the same day as the 12 month anniversary of the day we first met her...we can read the blog from that day and it brings those emotions flooding back to us. The Social Workers, Momma and I were crying tears of joy as we became an official family.

So we are signing off from this blog for now...we have been very poor at blogging updates; but actually we never intended for this to be a blow-by-blow, daily or weekly account of our family life....

When we do look back over the last year; our first as a Family, we simply cannot describe the rollercoaster that has been our lives.

That little girl, who was just two years old when we first heard about her in 2011; saw her in a photograph in 2012 and finally met last May.  That little girl who we had imagined walking around our home, sleeping in our home, calling us Mummy and Momma.  That girl, is now officially our daughter, we share the same surname and we are a Family.

We have wiped her tears; blood, vomit etc; mopped her brow in the midst of a fever; fed her; held her when she's been scared; disciplined her when she's tested our boundaries; taught her new words and her alphabet; watched her grow out of her clothes and laughed together when she's made a joke.

We love her. We are still getting to know her and she is learning to trust us.  She feels anxious when one, or both of us are seperated from her.  This will be a theme for our lives together, as I am sure it is for all adopted children and their adoptive families.  She is growing up; she's almost four years old now.  She's learning new things everyday and we feel priviledged and blessed to be witness to this.  Integrated and embedded within all of this is her adopted status and each day we help her to make sense of this of her her story.  It would be so easy to slip this under the emotional carpet, but never would this be fair to our daughter.

We have travlled one heck of an emotional journey and made some great new friends through the process.  It's helped us both to learn more about ourselves and being parents has bestowed upon us both the greatest sense of purpose. We don't expect this to be easy; by definition the world of adoption is hard.  We don't know what kind of people we, or Raina will grow to become but we will always know that we care, protect and nurture her and that we are a Family.

To anyone considering adoption and wondering whether it could happen for them: Believe me; it can.

SafeBase

We have just finished a parenting programme delivered by After Adoption.  The SafeBase Programme gave us a real insight into attachment theory, child development and brain development.  It started with an observation session which was videoed by the workers.  Ruth and I were given a total of four activities to do with Raina, firstly one each on our own with her and the last two the three of us together.  A week later we returned for our feedback and an analysis of our parenting approaches and Rainas attachment.

We then had 4 days training over 2 weeks where we learnt a lot including simple Theraplay activities which were 'diagnosed' as ideal for building attachment with our daughter (based on an assessment of her attachment style).


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theraplay

We came home rejuvenated and ready to start on the activities, but linked to this; a new air of calm around our daughter when she is displaying her most difficult and challening behaviours.  So much of her behaviour makes more sense to us now and that helps us approach our management of it from a calmer and with more 'mindfulness'.

We requested help from our LA, a few months back when Raina was really challenging us and we were funding things hard.  They offered this and paid for it; including our travel and Raina's child care costs.  I would thoroughly recommend the programme and that any other adoptive parents experiencing difficulties push for it to be offered and paid for by your own LA's.

http://www.afteradoption.org.uk/safebase-parenting-programme


The problems haven't gone away overnight but we know our daughter better because of it and she has been responding positively to Theraplay activities so far......so it's Paying dividends already.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theraplay

Big Week! Almost 8 months!

This week marked a significant change in our family and a milestone for Raina.  

This week Raina has started nursery.  On Wednesday she did a long day, with breakfast at 8am and we picked her up after dinner at 6pm.  When Momma and I picked her up she looked a total mess, like she was casting for a role in the living dead.  She was full of a heavy cold (this child is rarely ill).  She was proudly wearing lace-up boots which we had never seen before. We asked her why she was wearing them and she told us they were hers. "No, Raina, these are your shoes" Momma said holding out her pair of shoes left out on the side.  

The worker interjects to tell us, "I've got two accident forms to give you".  Ah, excellent, this is just getting better.  Raina's fingers had been trapped in a door and the guinea pig, Coco, has inflicted a large scratch across her hand.  We sign the forms and debrief with the worker. She asks us to remind her what Raina calls us, we let her know that Ruth is Momma and I am Mummy.  She then tells us that she heard Raina calling the male SENCO worker, Daddy.  We try to explain how this is just a word and she knows that he's not her Daddy, because she knows her Daddy.  Her Daddy is Black, about 50 years old and lives in another city.  The SENCO worker looks to be early 20's and is White.  

Im starting to consider that maybe Raina is delirious as I look in her rucksack and see she has not drunk a drop of water from her bottle...... grrrrrrr. We get ready to leave and Rainas coat appears to be missing.  "Where's your coat?" I ask. "Don't know....".  The Worker vows to search high and low for it tomorrow. Anyway we leave the nursery, with a heavy cold, war wounds and no coat ( it's about -1 outside) so to get home quicker we make her run home with us, only 2 minutes around the corner. A drink of water, Vicks rub on her chest and Calpol (a parents best friend) and the child is asleep in 5 minutes. 

Phewwww! This new routine is taking some getting used to all round!!!