On Friday we met up with our Social Worker. It feels like a lot has happened since we last met up and we have been looking forward to getting on with our assessment again!
She rang in the morning and when I heard her voice I thought..."oh no, she's calling to cancel our meeting this afternoon...." But instead she was calling to ask whether we would be interested in seeing a snippet of a child's profile that afternoon! I was taken aback; whilst she explained that she can't share the full Child Placement Report with us because we are not approved adopters yet she said if we were interested she would be looking for approval and matching at the same time in January! She told us that she had this child in mind for a while....
As you can imagine, after months of waiting, wondering and feeling 'stuck' this came as a bolt out of the blue!
So we had a really positive meeting. Our Home Assessment Report is almost finished, apart from a few bits and pieces. We were lucky to get to read a little bit about a child, who our Social Worker thinks is a very good match for us. She asked us to come up with questions over the weekend to ask the child's Social Worker.....we can't read the full CPR or see a photo yet....but we really want to know more.
When we said goodbye to our Social Worker we realised we were both far too excited to drive, so we stopped off for a meal and sat there staring into space, both of us shell-shocked!
Finally we have some feelings of excitment......the first time we have allowed ourselves to feel like this since we started the process. We know we need to keep it contained, as there is still a long way to go but we are enjoying the moment.
On Saturday night as we drove into Tesco's to get some shopping, it dawned on Ruth that by far the most exciting thing about the whole weekend was......."We can park in the parent and child bays soon!!!!!!"
Tuesday 29 November 2011
Tuesday 8 November 2011
Goodbye Post Adoption Centre....until next time
Today we have finished our current round of counseling sessions at the Post Adoption Centre. We have had three individual sessions each and today we had a really positive joint session together. We have been lucky enough to have had some amazing counselors who have given us new insights into ourselves individually, as a couple and as prospective adopters.
The Local Authority assessing us have financed our sessions and PAC have said that we can keep our remaining sessions 'in the bank', for further down the line should we need them.
Our SW is away at the moment - due back on 14th November. All being well, we can crack on with the rest of our assessment when she gets back.
Can't rate the Post Adoption Centre highly enough - thanks PAC x
The Local Authority assessing us have financed our sessions and PAC have said that we can keep our remaining sessions 'in the bank', for further down the line should we need them.
Our SW is away at the moment - due back on 14th November. All being well, we can crack on with the rest of our assessment when she gets back.
Can't rate the Post Adoption Centre highly enough - thanks PAC x
Wednesday 12 October 2011
A step forwards...
You may remember that sometime ago we explained our conundrum about our lack of local support networks. We have lots of wonderful friends and family who are very supportive and with whom we are going to be able to turn to for advice. We have lived in Dumfries for just over 2 years and like moving to any new area it takes time to meet like minded people.........
Anyway, we looked at trying to get local groups together through New Family Social, of which we are already members. It's a great charity and it has already given us both guidance and other people to go to for advice at much needed junctures.....
www.newfamilysocial.co.uk
But having said that, we tried approaching other members by private messaging them and asking if they wanted to start local groups, meet-ups etc.....no reply. Maybe I came across as a bit desperate? I did feel like I was 11 again and starting a new school and asking people if they wanted to be my friend.
So, we asked Andy (NFS Director) for help and he suggested becoming a voluteer regional coordinator for our area. I have duly obliged and am awaiting new members to start, so I can try and get something set up with them. I think it'll be good for NFS, because I can go out and promote them in the local area, but at the same time it might just answer our problems too.
2 birds 1 stone springs to mind.
x x x
Anyway, we looked at trying to get local groups together through New Family Social, of which we are already members. It's a great charity and it has already given us both guidance and other people to go to for advice at much needed junctures.....
www.newfamilysocial.co.uk
But having said that, we tried approaching other members by private messaging them and asking if they wanted to start local groups, meet-ups etc.....no reply. Maybe I came across as a bit desperate? I did feel like I was 11 again and starting a new school and asking people if they wanted to be my friend.
So, we asked Andy (NFS Director) for help and he suggested becoming a voluteer regional coordinator for our area. I have duly obliged and am awaiting new members to start, so I can try and get something set up with them. I think it'll be good for NFS, because I can go out and promote them in the local area, but at the same time it might just answer our problems too.
2 birds 1 stone springs to mind.
x x x
Monday 26 September 2011
Light at the end of the Tunnel
Wow! It's been a longtime since we've been on here. Probably also reflects on how we have been feeling about the adoption process. Since starting PAC we have not had any Home Assessment and the time to Approval Panel has increased by 2 months.
By the end of August we were feeling the feelings that others that have gone before us had experienced - lost, confused, sad. We even started questioning ourselves as to whether or not the Local Authority we are with actually really supported us and that they were not just going through the process to only finally tell us 'No'.
These feelings were finally laid aside today when I met with our Social Worker. Still really weird when we say 'our Social Worker' as those were definitely a set of words we did not think we would ever utter after hearing it so many times from past students and clients. Anyways....
I have had 3 wonderful sessions at PAC and can now look back and appreciate the 'intrusion'. I have now had the extended conversation with my parents about adopting and it was again not as bad as I thought it would be.
Some of you will recall that I only came out to my parents last year August and now I have sent them on a fast roller coaster ride to the news of adopting. In fact some of you were only recently told too so can probably empathise with them. Well it went a lot better than I thought. I now understand that adoption is definitely not the key issue for them.
PAC gave me extra confidence to have the conversation and to explore the different consequences. They even helped me to realise that ‘adoption’ is not foreign to my family. That really baffled me and my face must have been a picture as PAC waited for the penny to drop. My dad had two sons before meeting my mum and I remember them living with us when in Nigeria and their children call my Mum ‘Grandma’. So although not official like UK process my mum adopted my older siblings many moons ago.
Don’t get it wrong my Mums reaction was upsetting but my want to start a family overrides this feeling and I started thinking oh my word the Social Worker wants to meet them and ask them about how they feel about my relationship and adoption!!! That sent me to panic mode and believing that the Local Authority we are with will not accept our application. Hence my meeting today with our Social Worker.
In short my fears (Hannah did not have the same fears - in fact she said I was being silly) was put to the side and apparently it is okay for parents not to be in agreement (I can say obviously now). All we have to explore now is how we will protect ourselves and our child/ren from the sense of loss. I mean I appreciate that sometimes when children come along peoples views and feelings change but we are talking 56 plus years of Nigerian traditional views. I think the next step for me is to explore how I will get on with my life with the understanding that my parents (once adoption as gone through) may not be involved. Bring on PAC.
On a good news to leave you with….Our Social Worker today (26/09/2011)uttered the following words:
‘colleagues are asking how you two are getting on.’
‘I have seen a few children that might be a match for you both and I asked their social workers to hold onto them.’
‘Once PAC is finished I think we should double up our sessions so we can complete the assessment and go to Approval Panel in January 2012.’
Thursday 18 August 2011
Post Adoption Centre
I have been enjoying some time off work and ticking off the DIY jobs around the house which need doing before our child comes home. Maybe a bit premature of me.....we haven't been approved yet but it is hard not to get focused on these things! Thanks to my Dad and Paul who gave up their weekends to fix our bathroom floor and sort out some plumbing problems!
We are just waiting for dates of our first sessions with the Post Adoption Centre. They are an organisation which provides counselling and therapeutic support to all parties in the adoption process. Our Social Worker advised us a few weeks back that we should both consider accessing PAC now to strengthen our assessment and going to the panel for approval. Anyone who knows me, knows that I had a difficult time a few years ago and was signed off with stress and anxiety by my doctor following a serious incident at work. I think the Social Worker is being objective and trying to forsee some difficult questions that the panel might ask about my 'wellbeing'. I'm a big fan of counselling, it can be very helpful so I'm going into it with an open mind, as is Ruth but I also know it'll make me a more attractive parent to the panel when we get there! We are both going to have 6 sessions of counselling, to help us both to explore any personal difficulties and issues in relation to becoming adoptive parents.
Ruth got a call yesterday and is heading there next week for her first session.
It's a great organisation and I was impressed by their website and we have been impressed by them so far;
http://www.postadoptioncentre.org.uk/
We are just waiting for dates of our first sessions with the Post Adoption Centre. They are an organisation which provides counselling and therapeutic support to all parties in the adoption process. Our Social Worker advised us a few weeks back that we should both consider accessing PAC now to strengthen our assessment and going to the panel for approval. Anyone who knows me, knows that I had a difficult time a few years ago and was signed off with stress and anxiety by my doctor following a serious incident at work. I think the Social Worker is being objective and trying to forsee some difficult questions that the panel might ask about my 'wellbeing'. I'm a big fan of counselling, it can be very helpful so I'm going into it with an open mind, as is Ruth but I also know it'll make me a more attractive parent to the panel when we get there! We are both going to have 6 sessions of counselling, to help us both to explore any personal difficulties and issues in relation to becoming adoptive parents.
Ruth got a call yesterday and is heading there next week for her first session.
It's a great organisation and I was impressed by their website and we have been impressed by them so far;
http://www.postadoptioncentre.org.uk/
Monday 1 August 2011
Location, Location, Location
So, it's been a few weeks. We have met our social worker again recently and although we were asssured that we are half way through the completion of the report itself, we came away feeling like we were 100 years away from being ready to go to the panel for approval......
So a few long conversations later and we are ready to dust ourselves off and get ready for the long game ahead.
Since the start of the process we have been busy thinking about our strengths - Hannah is an amazing Youth Worker and has vast experience with adolescents facing all kinds of problems. I have had experience of looking after children for years and my work is all about helping parents improve their parenting skills but now we know we need to look at our perceived 'weaknesses' and begin to become more attractive potential parents to make it easier for our Social Worker to champion us at the approval stage.
So we have decided to try the following;
Setting up our own local gay parenting group - a local support network so our child can spend time with and play with other children from families like ours. Our lives have been centered around Dumfries for so long. If we were living in London we could access all kinds of local groups but there seems like there is nothing set-up here.....so, ever the problem solvers - we are going to set-up our own group through a social group in Dumfries - who we already know of and have accessed before.
Watch this space and see.......reminds me of the phrase about Mohammed and a mountain or something like that. If the gay and lesbian family support group won't come to Hannah and Ruth, let Hannah and Ruth make their own gay and lesbian family support group!
Wish us luck
So a few long conversations later and we are ready to dust ourselves off and get ready for the long game ahead.
Since the start of the process we have been busy thinking about our strengths - Hannah is an amazing Youth Worker and has vast experience with adolescents facing all kinds of problems. I have had experience of looking after children for years and my work is all about helping parents improve their parenting skills but now we know we need to look at our perceived 'weaknesses' and begin to become more attractive potential parents to make it easier for our Social Worker to champion us at the approval stage.
So we have decided to try the following;
Setting up our own local gay parenting group - a local support network so our child can spend time with and play with other children from families like ours. Our lives have been centered around Dumfries for so long. If we were living in London we could access all kinds of local groups but there seems like there is nothing set-up here.....so, ever the problem solvers - we are going to set-up our own group through a social group in Dumfries - who we already know of and have accessed before.
Watch this space and see.......reminds me of the phrase about Mohammed and a mountain or something like that. If the gay and lesbian family support group won't come to Hannah and Ruth, let Hannah and Ruth make their own gay and lesbian family support group!
Wish us luck
Saturday 16 July 2011
The next step; Home Study / Assessment begins
So once the Application Form was submitted, we were allocated a Social Worker. We were happy that it was a Social Worker who had been running the Preparation Group too. It helped to put us at ease as it felt like we already knew her a little bit and also that she had a basic idea about who we are and what we are about.
April 2011 was a big month for us. We had a two-week trip of a lifetime to the US, bought ourselves our first car and began our assessment with our first social work visit!
We were very nervous about the first visit and it wasn't helped by both of us suffering with jet-lag!!! Despite this, we were running on adrenelin and our Social Worker helped to put us at ease. We discussed the process again so we were clear about what we could expect and we also began to work towards getting the information needed for the Prospective Adopters Report / Form F. We began by covering things like our individual family tree's, previous relationships and our relationship together.
It felt like an odd way to 'get to know' our Social Worker but it didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable.
Since our first visit we have had two individual meetings. In these, we met seperately with our Social Worker and discussed our life journeys, including earliest memories, childhood events and strengths and weaknesses or our relationship together.
Recently we had another visit at home and this is now a total of 4. We are expecting there to be at least another 4 and may be looking at completing the assessment by December 2011.
This feels quite scary, we are putting our faith in our Social Worker to guide us through this process. The process, is quite rightfully a full analysis of our relationship together and of us as individuals. You cannot overlook any aspects of your personality and implications of this on us (as a couple and as individuals) and on any potential children. We know the implications of not getting this completely right do not bear thinking about.....we are both happy to go slowly and explore each issue or hiccup fully. Each visit makes us feel envigorated and more confident about our capacity to parent and be considered "good enough" at panel and, in time, by our child's Social Worker in the matching stage.
By embracing the process we are also becoming more focused about what our limitations might be as adoptive parents (e.g. caring for a child with a disabilty, a child who has foetal alcohol syndrome or a child that has experienced sexual abuse etc).
Onwards and upwards.....
April 2011 was a big month for us. We had a two-week trip of a lifetime to the US, bought ourselves our first car and began our assessment with our first social work visit!
We were very nervous about the first visit and it wasn't helped by both of us suffering with jet-lag!!! Despite this, we were running on adrenelin and our Social Worker helped to put us at ease. We discussed the process again so we were clear about what we could expect and we also began to work towards getting the information needed for the Prospective Adopters Report / Form F. We began by covering things like our individual family tree's, previous relationships and our relationship together.
It felt like an odd way to 'get to know' our Social Worker but it didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable.
Since our first visit we have had two individual meetings. In these, we met seperately with our Social Worker and discussed our life journeys, including earliest memories, childhood events and strengths and weaknesses or our relationship together.
Recently we had another visit at home and this is now a total of 4. We are expecting there to be at least another 4 and may be looking at completing the assessment by December 2011.
This feels quite scary, we are putting our faith in our Social Worker to guide us through this process. The process, is quite rightfully a full analysis of our relationship together and of us as individuals. You cannot overlook any aspects of your personality and implications of this on us (as a couple and as individuals) and on any potential children. We know the implications of not getting this completely right do not bear thinking about.....we are both happy to go slowly and explore each issue or hiccup fully. Each visit makes us feel envigorated and more confident about our capacity to parent and be considered "good enough" at panel and, in time, by our child's Social Worker in the matching stage.
By embracing the process we are also becoming more focused about what our limitations might be as adoptive parents (e.g. caring for a child with a disabilty, a child who has foetal alcohol syndrome or a child that has experienced sexual abuse etc).
Onwards and upwards.....
Next step; Preparation group...
So after the initial visit from Local Authority we were assuming we would be included in a Preparation Group in September 2010 and then in December 2010. Sadly on both occasions, they were cancelled. On reflection, we were excited and apprehensive and then disappointed in equal measure. We know now that this is something we are going to have to get used to and need to expect as prospective adopters / adopters.
We went along to the next Preparation Group in January 2011.
It was a three day course, run by the Local Authority. There were 13 of us in our group and we were a real mix of people. We were the only lesbian couple, but there were two gay male couples within our group, so it helped us to feel at ease. The content of the course was very thought-provoking and we covered topics such as;
We went along to the next Preparation Group in January 2011.
It was a three day course, run by the Local Authority. There were 13 of us in our group and we were a real mix of people. We were the only lesbian couple, but there were two gay male couples within our group, so it helped us to feel at ease. The content of the course was very thought-provoking and we covered topics such as;
- Attachment with adopted children
- Backgrounds of adopted children
- Contact with birth families
- Explaining to a child that they are adopted
Probably the highlight of the whole process for us was hearing from an adult who was adopted as a child, a mother who relinquished her child at birth for adoption and also an adoptive parent. Their stories were amazing and we left feeling that our knowledge and awareness around adoption had increased, we left with the application form in our hands.
Starting point.....
So here we are.....
We are going through the process to become prospective adopters.
We have been together for just over 4 years and have always talked about children being a part of our family. Neither of us had any maternal 'urges' to have our own birth children and adoption was always our first choice. Over the last few years, we have been working towards this, buying a house together was the first step and then getting some financial stability.
Things began to move forwards when we saw an advert for a Local Authorities Pink Campaign. We decided to go along and find out more about Local Authoritie's campaign to recuit more gay and lesbian adopters and foster carers. It was an inspirational evening and really gave us the motivation to begin the journey with this Local Authority. They had some great speakers and we chatted informally (whilst sipping champagne) to another mixed race lesbian couple who had a child placed with them already. Their words were left ringing in our ears....."your young, both female and being mixed race, they will be biting your hands off to approve you."
It certainly gave us a lot to think about and we were contacted a few days later by the Local Authority. Two social workers came to our house and visited us for an initial meeting which went really well.
We are going through the process to become prospective adopters.
We have been together for just over 4 years and have always talked about children being a part of our family. Neither of us had any maternal 'urges' to have our own birth children and adoption was always our first choice. Over the last few years, we have been working towards this, buying a house together was the first step and then getting some financial stability.
Things began to move forwards when we saw an advert for a Local Authorities Pink Campaign. We decided to go along and find out more about Local Authoritie's campaign to recuit more gay and lesbian adopters and foster carers. It was an inspirational evening and really gave us the motivation to begin the journey with this Local Authority. They had some great speakers and we chatted informally (whilst sipping champagne) to another mixed race lesbian couple who had a child placed with them already. Their words were left ringing in our ears....."your young, both female and being mixed race, they will be biting your hands off to approve you."
It certainly gave us a lot to think about and we were contacted a few days later by the Local Authority. Two social workers came to our house and visited us for an initial meeting which went really well.
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