Guest bloggers Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris....

So we thought we would do our good deed for the ....year(?!) and offer to look after little Raina giving the newly Civil Partnered couple a day to do something for themselves and spend some quality time together. We’ve met Raina a couple of times now and compared to some other little ones we knew of the same age Raina has always been an angel, so we thought a day out in Legoland would be a breeze. Following our interview with Ruth (Momma) of our intentions and child experience the happy couple accepted our offer and agreed a date.

A couple of days before our big day out we found out the cost  of taking a family of 3 to Legoland and MY GOD it’s not cheap, so the night before Uncle Chris went on a hunt for a Kit Kat to get half price tickets. 

Neither of us had ANY experience of looking after children so anxiously we arrived at the family home.  Ruth told us she had let Raina know the night before what was happening and Raina had told her that she was excited but was going to be shy!  Well if screaming Legoland and jumping up and down was shy as we walked through the door then I would hate to see Raina excited!

After a lesson in car seat  adjustment we set off with ‘If you’re Happy and you know it’ blaring from the CD player. This lasted all of five minutes as Chris discreetly turned the radio on and Raina didn’t seem to notice or care.  Phew. Raina kindly directed us from her favourite book, the A-Z albeit she was reading it upside down.

On arrival after a quick loo stop we showed Raina a map of Legoland and asked where she wanted to go. “Cafe!” she repeated over and over pointing at the Lego Cafe Man.  We managed to cleverly distract her with the slide as we entered the park which she went down about 6 times before we managed to drag her away.  

We soon learnt that Raina liked being in photos when she began posing in other people’s photos!!  She was so excited to get into one family photo that she landed face first in the mud. The first and not the last time we made use of the wonderful invention of baby wipes. Raina had a warning from Uncle ‘Cwis’ not to run off again and she listened and stuck by our sides for the rest of the day. 

Raina was so very well behaved and thoroughly enjoyed herself including going on rides, going in a submarine, hill top train and having her face painted although she wanted to keep referring to it as ‘Paint Face’. The submarine was not the first one she had been on as apparently she had been on one with Mummy Hannah in their town, surprising what you can find these days in a UK town centre. 

Lunchtime was an experience which I learnt not to let Uncle Chris take a child to a buffet. We knew from the Raina's brief that she would eat anything but when Auntie Sarah took her along the line she said she didn’t want sausages, chicken, soup, salad, lasagne, curry or anything on the list. Auntie Sarah advising her that she would have to chose something or she would not be able to carry on playing she chose bread and ketchup. Auntie Sarah made her a sausage sandwich with some mash and baked beans which she hoovered up.  Uncle Chris on his 3^rd plate of food (he loves to eat) left little Raina feeling as if she was missing out so on the third trip asked if she could get some more bread which Auntie Sarah agreed. Raina managed to convince Uncle Chris to get her fish fingers, chicken, chips, more sausages, more beans and more mash and some vegetables. All of which she had told me she didn’t want!!!  Auntie Sarah was less than impressed and told Uncle Chris Raina’s little belly would explode...Uncle Chris then said he would just take the plate away to which Auntie Sarah decided she need a visit to the loo!  Uncle Chris managed to swipe the plate convincing Raina she was full and getting a waitress to take it all away.

The weather was beautiful and ice creams were enjoyed by all. Raina provided entertainment for many in the queues with her booty dancing and her tiger roaring.

The shop was also a challenge when Raina picked up about ten things and told us with her puppy dog eyes she wanted them all. Uncle Chris managed to convince her only one would be purchased which Auntie Sarah ensured was something educational and would not take up the whole of Mummy and Momma’s living room. A Lego watch and clock to help Raina learn how to tell the time as throughout the day she wanted to know what the time was.

We escaped scar free and Uncle Chris slept all the way home. Raina was buzzing off the ‘red drink’ she had convinced Uncle Chris to buy her.

Home and reunited with Mummy and Momma we were worn out. Raina gave back Mummy her keyring that was attached to her ruc sac. It was appreciated as Raina kept asking to see it and sometimes wanted to hold it. I think she didn't trust us not to lose it. We wondered how they did this day in and day out and went to work. Whilst we recovered on the sofa; bedtime routine and kisses led to a little Raina straight asleep.

The adults enjoyed a scrumptious dinner and then a long drive home for auntie and uncle with good memories and the offer to do it all again :-) 

Letting others (family/friend) look after your little one..pt II

SO the simple words that my mum used to say to us 'you are going out with Aunty Simbo' is a long distance memory. 

Below is the Raina blurb we sent to Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris - all in the aid that Raina feels safe inside as well as outside. This time around following an away time from us we did not experience unsettling behaviour, rejection, diarrhoea, a 2 hour screaming session just before bed it was real life family smooth runnings. 

"In regards to caring for Raina;

Above all of what is below is that you talk about us (Mummy and Momma). On the face of it she will look fine but if you place your hand on her chest you will feel her heart beating really fast. Remember we came to collect her from someone she thought she was staying with forever. Let alone the other two times moved from birth parents and first foster care.

When you set off say "see you later house see you later mummy and momma we are going to legoland and will come back" get her to repeat it.

Later in the journey to and through out  the day talk about how the day will be to her e.g. we are going to ....(we will have shown her photos) and we will be doing .... we will stop for lunch....then we will.... we will also have snacks and drinks....do some more....and then bring you back to mummy and momma. We will give her something of ours to look after and return to us. Apparently it encourages 'permanence'. Please refer to it by saying "oh when we take you back home you can give mummy or momma back her necklace" 

The next most important thing is that you are consistent with what she can and can't do with you otherwise you are in for the most horrendously energetic day of your life...and we pay for it later. It will also unsettle her and she won’t feel safe. 

Food: She eats a lot if not stopped. She will keep going and it will not be a case of when full she will stop but when sick she will be upset and want to eat more to replace. There is no inside stop button. As far as she is concerned you are not taking her back and she is not sure of when her next meal will be so best answer is to fill up now. Food is a security issue with children and it is further enhanced with children who have attachment issue/trauma etc. (Not as bad as it sounds).

Water: Give her water with lunch, she knows she needs to drink it and how much, don't let her try to tell you she doesn't or ask for something else. Any other drinks on top of that e.g. a juice or fruit shoot etc, come as an extra and not as a replacement for water later on in the day. No fizzes please. 

Behaviours - she may regress due to anxiety (this will look like wanting to crawl, talk like a baby or be held) that is fine for the first 5 minutes but after that just say to her right "you are a big girl now and big girls get to do big things like running and jumping and nice talking with good talking words"

Toilet - she should be telling you when she needs to go. If she starts to not concentrate on what you are saying or looking like she is disassociating she needs the toilet. If you ask her if she needs the toilet and she says no thank you really quickly ask her to think about it and that when you start doing things there will be no other opportunity then ask her again. If its a number 2 she will either do the crying game or just gets on with it. Just say crying will not get you off the toilet and everyone poos. When she says she has finished tell her to do two more pushes - you count out loud. Hand her tissue she uses left hand to wipe and when she thinks she is finished you do a check wipe. 

Speech - best of luck understanding her. I'm sure you will tune in. It is better. If you hear her saying "like that" or "like this" just give her the words and ask her to repeat it. 

Manners - she should be using her p's and thank you's. don't be afraid to say no to her. Just follow it with why it is a "no" now. Not only is ‘no’ negative but it is very rejecting of a person so complete it with reasons or choices. She has had a heavy experience of rejection.

Tears - if telling her off don't look directly in her eyes if she is crying. If tears fall down then she is really upset. But if no tears she is trying to manipulate you. If she hurts herself she might tell you. Most of the time she doesn't feel the hurt so if you see it happen point out to her that oh did you just bang your ...

If she is sulking she will pretend to be hurt so to change the subject or make friends. Please don't allow her. Just tell her that it is not good behaviour and explain why you are upset and what she can do correct it - choices.

Wow!! It is not as bad as it reads. This is just a get to know Raina crammed into an email. Once she knows you stick to boundaries she won't try it on so much blah blah but then she is 3 years old.

Letting others (family/friend) look after your little one...pt I

If you remember November 2012 (I think) Uncle Junior and Aunty Lamora offered to have Raina for the afternoon and take her to the Aquarium...amazing what 7 months of lessons teaches you. Well Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris this time offered to have Raina overnight and then following a lengthy conversation changed their minds to an initial day trip with them. Why would we delay an overnight childsitter????

Being a parent is not easy BUT being an Adoptive parent is a whole different level of pepper soup. There are things you do or your child does that you need to be 10 steps in front of. If your style is learn as you go then you are slowly killing any chance your family will have to move forward.

You need to do all the reading and absorbing of your childs history before you meet them. You need to know the author names and their books inside out - Dan Hughes, Heidi Argent, Bryan Post, Helen Oakwater, Louise Bomber - to name a few. You need to know about Post Adoption Depression, trauma and the body. The learning continues and doesn't stop. YES the birth parents of you out there are saying that this is no different to parenting a birth child. I don't expect you to get it. I have learnt that the only people that know and accept what I say and do are those that have fostered or adopted. I no longer argue or try to convert anyone about why I am 'strict'. The fact is that in each behaviour or emotion expressed by your adopted child there can be (and only you will know) an underlying issue that they need extra support in dealing with straightaway. It is for you as an adoptive parent to find out if that behaviour/emotion is age related or triggered by 'adoption'.

I'll give you an example to make sense of my waffling...I asked the nursery if they see a difference in Raina's behaviour during term time in comparison to holiday club. Their response is 'oh she is so energetic, running around, doing everything, talking a lot etc during term time but during holiday club she is very quiet in comparison, doesn't do as much but concentrates on the task she is doing etc. We think that the term time Raina is her natural state'. Hands up which learner you would expect to progress further in the UK school system. What someone sees as energetic is actually a little girl experiencing hyper arousal drawn from anxiety of not enough structure.

At home during term time Raina is a 'mess'. Always close to tears, lacks confidence, anxious. Come see her during half term or the weekend she is a different person.

This in short is what 7 months has taught us. We were told it at prep group but like all newbies didn't respect it enough. So this time when there is ever a slight change in our routine there is a long build up and long chat of repetitive words....

....I'll follow onto the next blog entry.

Not Goodbye...

Just noticed that Hannah posted the last blog with a  Goodbye. It is not Goodbye at all but just that the post will not be as frequent as they used to be. Life is on a level family road so not as much to chat about.

So see you now and then....