I couldn't put it better myself...

http://youtu.be/yMLZO-sObzQ

or

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMLZO-sObzQ

A year off and realising balding is on the cards

Well it's been a long while for me to write something. In fact everything changed once Raina walked in permanently through our home. That's right Mummy has been penning my part of the blog. I have had no time to think, no space to think and I think that will be the pattern until Raina is about 4 years old or maybe if lucky January 2013 when she starts nursery. Our parents obviously made this child rearing thing look easy! 

I mean adoption criteria aside there is a lot of playing with body excrements, repetition, dancing, building blocks, pretending to write or draw, chopping banana (eewwhhh), saying what you said you were doing or going to do over and over but also finding new ways of saying something you would have just stated straight up in previous life. All the jobs I have had in my life have always had to include a day never the same and now this one great permanent job can only work on the foundation of repetition and routine.

I am grateful that my job before Raina gave me opportunities to do parenting with clients and attending courses that not only helped me with my job but for life as a new parent. I think parenting courses should become compulsory for everyone. All that humans know to do in life is taught to us first and then we build on it. So our first call of reference for parenting our children is how we were parented but who is to say that it was the best parenting. One would not know or question it. There are many parenting courses out there but I recommend:

@ Family Links

@ Triple P (Positive Parenting Programme)

@ Incredible Years

Top up the parenting with the following if you ever get the chance:

@ Anger Management (Mike Fisher)

@ Solution Focus Brief Therapy (SfBT)

@ Ties and Trauma that Bind (Norma Hinds)

This parenting thing is tiring, no matter how much rest you take. Add adoption to it and  you will never understand until you are there how huge an impact (the looking for an agency, prep group, home assessment, approval panel, searching and waiting, home visit by the potential child’s social worker, being linked, matching panel, shopping, DIY, making a DVD etc, waiting for introductions, introductions itself, being watched by social worker, foster carer, new child, first day at your home with foster carer in tow, final review, moving in) this process is before you have even become a forever family. 

But it is still not real when the child moves in. You are still a puppet on a string and dancing to a fakish tune as the Local Authority, Foster Carer are still in your life due to Looked After Reviews and Looked After visits first weekly then monthly until you are granted to apply for an Adoption Order. This can not be for about 10 weeks after your child moves in. We are sure that Raina can sense it too but there is no room to manoeuvre and we have to be over protective and not completely relaxed. She is still someone else's child and we share parental responsibility with her birth parents and Local Authority. For example, the ends of her hair was very dry and split, I had to speak to her social worker first.

Don't get me wrong I wouldn't change the time we have spent (2 years) in finding our daughter for anything. It's been a learning curve with a long journey to come especially when she starts to understand how babies are made for that is when the meaning of adoption truly kicks in for the adopted. All we can do for now is talk about adoption in the terms she can repeat (tummy mummy, daddy live in Manchester Raina lives here etc) so that it becomes a natural part of her like always knowing she is a girl or that she loves peas.   

Well I am off to the hairdressers this afternoon for the first time in a very long time and poor Raina is going to have to tag along wish us luck. 

forever?

This weekend we enjoyed some time together as a family and this involved going out to see some friends at their house.  They are a lovely couple; Ruths's friend through work and her husband, who we met for the first time on Sunday.  A really down to earth couple who are the kind of people we can see us being friends with socially in the future.  They were great with Raina and she really liked their company.

Raina is quite a physical girl and at other social events with us, she has literally thrown herself all over adults who she (and we) don't really know that well.  She knows Mummy and Mama are her primary carers but she doesn't distinguish between very close friends and family and acquaintances or even people we have just met.  Everyone gets the same level of affection and attention.  We are working on this and yesterday, we sat outside their house in the car and told her not to throw herself on people during the visit.  She was much better than she has been before and we were both really pleased with how this went.

Our friends are good at boundaries and were able to get involved in activities with Raina and say things like: "no Raina"; "you can't do that" and "stop there, that's far enough".

We had a picnic, went to the park and then relaxed in their garden enjoying the warm weather, chatting whilst Raina happily explored.  At about 4:30pm Raina asked Mummy to put her socks and shoes on and asked Mama where the car keys were.  Mama said; "ae you tired? do you want to go home?".  Raina was able to affirm this was the case!  This felt like a real breakthrough as normally we'd get an overtired child having a tantrum and breaking all the rules she normally sticks to.

When we came to leave, Raina became a bit anxious about who was leaving and who was staying.  Our friends told her that they were staying because they lived there.  I reiterated to Raina that she lived with her family, which comprised her, Mama and Mummy.

In this moment I think I understood her confusion.  Just a few short weeks ago we gatecrashed her life and her home and very quickly took on parenting roles of disciplining, setting and enfocting boundaries (just as our friends had been doing throughout the afternoon).  Soon after this her Foster Carer gave way to this and relinquished her involvement in these things and this signalled the end in terms of this relationship as she knew it to be.  I wondered whether maybe Raina was reminded of this and was confused as to what was going to happen next.  Were we bringing her back there again tomorrow?; or indeed; were we actually just going to leave her too?

We understand more and more about how we have to be patient in helping our daughter to really settle. She seems so well settled to everyone who meets her (including people who know her really well, like her own SW).  But real security and permanency runs so deep.  To allay her fears about further rejection and help her come to understand we can be relied upon we are buckled up for the long journey.  We know all we can do is just continue to show her over time that we are going to be here forever and that our family is forever, especially by verbalising her thoughts and feelings.

Four weeks

So four days done back at work and four weeks of being a forever family.  Funny how my priorities have shifted so much since Raina came along. I'm not so stressed by work and I find it even easier than I used to to switch off completely when I walk out the office door. I really miss Raina when I'm gone. I have taken to standing outside her bedroom door (left ajar throughout the night) and listening to her snoring for a moment before leaving for the day. She's a real snorer!!!  I am pleased to say that the potty training has really improved in the last week and especially so in the last few days. Raina has been dry throughout the whole night the last four nights - and is managing to stay dry most of the time in the day. It's so cute to see how excited she gets when she realises she has left us presents in the potty (as opposed to on the floor!).   Our SW says this is a very positive sign and that emotionally  healthy children have an innate desire to please their parents, so this shows that there is a positive attachment forming.  This wanting to please us has slowly extended to other areas; such as less tantrums and her doing things without us having to ask, because she is remembering the way things are done with us.    Raina is asking about her birth parents on at least a daily basis.  Whereas once the question was "Daddy?"; now she is making statements that will require us to take the conversation onto the next level before too many more weeks / months.  We know that an adopted child's thirst for information about their birth parents and early life can be unquenchable.  We are re-reading 'Adoption Conversations: How, when and what to tell children'.   This is helping us to consider how we can phrase information that is age-appropriate for Raina to understand.   All in all it feels like we are really getting into 'it' now; the job of parenting our daughter.  I think that we are both beginning to feel that we have a 'claim' to Raina.  When we first met her; in all honesty sometimes I felt like a sub-standard replacement for her Foster Family.  When we met the Health visitor at home a week ago; Ruth referred to Raina's birth parents as her 'parents'.  The HV said, "You're her parents. It hasn't sunk in yet has it?". She was right, it really hadn't.   It's starting to now.  I remember the adoption team manager saying to us on the first day of introductions; "go into this time with confidence. Raina is waiting for you to claim her. You have every right to stake your claim for her now.".  Im not sure how other adopters have felt; but we didn't feel that we had that right from the beginning, partly because you feel you are being judged by everyone involved in the child's life.  Those people are gradually fading into the background. Raina's SW wants to go from weekly meetings to monthly ones now, so we are really being given the space to get on with parenthood.  I've got the day off tomorrow. Raina will be asleep when I get home but I can't wait to see her in the morning and spend the day together.  A month in and I am feeling that Raina coming into my life has given me purpose like nothing else before.

Sniffles all round...

I had my first day back at work today. I had really not been looking forward to it at all and the impending return had been causing us both a bit of stress. I wanted to look in on Raina this morning, she was still asleep in bed; but I knew that seeing her I'd just want to stay home (plus Mama would have throttled me if I'd woken Raina up!) As it was everything was fine; my manager had created a 'Welcome Back Hannah' sign at my desk, which was really nice and she made me lots of cups of coffee. I was eased back into work by my manager as I attended a few meetings, sent a few emails, had lunch and then it was time to go home. I was so excited to see Raina and her and Mama walked part of the way to the train station to meet me on my walk home. When Raina realised it was me she ran towards me, open armed. My heart melted and it was the loveliest greeting after a day in the office. We all ate dinner together at the dining table and Mama and I bathed Raina together. I'm so glad I was able to do all these things with the whole family. We are trialling varied working hours, to enable me to be home earlier, if it goes well I can apply to my employer to change my hours on a permanent basis. I'm also exploring changing my main place of work, to be closer to home and my employer has a few sites so I can feasibly do this. Raina has a stinking cold and we administered our first (of many, I'm sure) Calpol dosage as new parents. Really hope she doesn't feel too ill when she wakes up in the morning. She's very cute as she sneezes (generally in groups of three) and after every sneeze she says "bless me". On another positive note our friends were unanimously approved as adopters today at their panel hearing.

3 weeks

Three weeks ago tonight we were having our last evening as a couple before Raina came to live with her forever family.

There are moments when it feels like Raina has been with us for much longer than three weeks.  It's easy to recall life before Raina but very hard to imagine a future where she was not here. There is definitely a shared bond forming between us all but I don't think any of us have felt instant 'love' for each other.  It's more like a blossoming relationship and changing very slowly over time.  When our SW asked me "do you love her?", I can only reply that I feel like I am falling in love with her.

Our SW warned us about the week 5/ week 6 difficulties that a lot of placements experience.  We don't think that Raina has fully realised that she is going to live with us forever yet.  When the realisation does kicks in, she is bound to be angry with us and we are braced for some backlash.  Raina has had a few different carers in her life and not all of them have remained in her life all the time.  There are no short-cuts to Raina feeling fully secure that we aren't going to send her back to her FC or pass her onto someone else to look after her.  We hope that another three weeks from now we can reflect on having progressed further in this direction.

Tears and tantrums part 2

Raina woke up this morning and was the cutest, most sweet little girl. She gave us lashings of affection and we should have reasoned then that it could only go downhill from there. Tantrums ahoy. Raina has a new habit of throwing herself violently on the floor when she has a tantrum and today she has done this a few times. She banged her head on the floor at one stage and cut her lip throwing herself off the toilet, so all in all she has had a hard day!!! I think that she must be stressed out as she didnt do a poo at all today and that is a sign that all is not right with her little body. The Health Vistor came round today to meet Raina and suggested we try her in normal knickers. She claims that pull-ups only serve to trick children, as they leave them feeling dry so they don't get the sensation of having an accident; hence learning to stop and go to the toilet. We have taken her advice. Tonight we got Raina really excited by letting her choose which grown up knickers she wants to wear tomorrow. I have decided to try this tomorrow, so wish me luck!!!

Boat trips and train journeys

This weekend we had our first overnight trip away as a family.  We were advised not to have visits away from the home until we were sure Raina was settled enough; which she did seem to be.  We also thought it would benefit her as we would return home at the end of the visit and that it might help to cement the permanency of her new home; as a place we all come back to and call 'home'.

I have realised that as a parent, when going away, I now get to pack;

Toothpaste
Toothbrush
Clean underwear
Nothing else.

Raina gets to pack;

Teddies
Blanket
Pajamas
Wash bag
Toy
Crayons
Colouring book
Book X 2
Slippers
Snacks
Nappies
The list goes on.

We stayed the night on a narrow-boat near Derby that Grandad and Aunty Jewel were hiring.  Trust my father to pick the week to hire a canal boat in British summer when the rivers are overflowing and there are gale force winds blowing! The three of us shared a bed together; Raina slept well and sprawled herself across the bed. Momma and I didn't sleep too well.....but we all had a wonderful time and Raina really enjoyed meeting her Grandad and 'Aunty Ju'.  Raina enjoyed travelling on the train and thankfully slept for an hour and a half, which helped to kill some travelling time!

Raina has been asking about her Daddy quite a lot over the last few days; she also mentions the name of the Contact Supervisor, who managed the contact she had with her Birth Father and Mother.  Today I realised she was asking about her birth Mother too; who she refers to as Mummy.  I know that she is too young to find it weird how she can have so many Mum's, but I think that at times it must confuse her and I have certainly had times when I have been confused by what she has said because of the plurality of 'Mum's'.  We have been advised to refer to Raina's Birth Mother as 'tummy mummy' to help make a distinction; we have been doing this but she has not used the term yet herself.  When Raina asks about her birth parents, we are reassuring her by simply letting her know the name of the City that her birth parents live in.  She doesn't ask any more questions about them at the moment, but clearly we expect more and more as time goes by.


Today we took Raina along to the monthly New Family Social meet-up that takes place at Coram Fields.

http://www.coramsfields.org/

We have been along a few times in the past (pre-Raina) and both found it really useful as a way of meeting other same-sex prospective adopters and adopters alike.  Today we met up with some friends who we met on our prep course back in January 2011 and their son.  It was nice for Raina to meet their son; she really likes small children (he is about 18 months) and think about how far we have all come in the last year or so.  We also met some other lesbian parents with their children and although Raina was oblivious to the whole thing; I am comforted that in time she can she that her family is not the only same-sex adoptive family in the world!!!

Tantrums have been lessening over the last few days and she seems a bit calmer which is clearly a positive sign.

1st LAC Review

Raina slept all the way through the first LAC review meeting this afternoon. It made us both smile; at the end of the meeting we both laughed at how they took our word for it that she was in the house (she could have been out partying!) Our link SW arrived first and then Raina's SW and the Independent Chair (IC) arrived shortly afterwards. The IC led the meeting which lasted around 45 minutes. We reviewed the introductions and initial weeks of placement. We updated everyone on Raina's sleeping patterns; toilet routine; health issues; education and the types of activities we had been doing together. We also discussed contact with the Foster Family. Given how difficult Raina found the last telephone conversation, the IC suggested we leave it a while before dong it again. We will just continue to stay in touch with the Foster family ourselves (updating on progress etc) and carry on talking to Raina about them when she wants to. We also discussed contact with the birth parents. This is quite complex and we will probably meet the birth parents (without Raina) on our own within the next 3 months. After this we will plan for direct contact for Raina (timing being key). All three SW's strongly advised that this happens after the Adoption Order has been completed and we have the legal parental responsibility. They advise that this is better for us, the birth parents and ultimately for the children involved to do it this way. We can apply for the Adoption Order after 10 weeks of placement. The placement order granted by the court only stated annual letter-box contact, but we have always been open to direct contact. We want Raina to know where she 'comes from' and believe that direct contact is best for her in the short, medium and long-term however hard it will be for her (and us). Direct contact means that Raina can grow up hopefully without needing to fantasise about her birth parents; with answers to some of the questions she has. Not having opportunities for this is something that can leave some adopted children feeling isolated, depressed and ultimately distanced from their adoptive parents. Contact is likely to be a big mountain for us to climb; but we are not ready to start climbing it yet and neither is Raina, as it's only been two weeks!!! The next LAC Review is in 12 weeks. The next fortnight we have weekly visits from a SW and then after that monthly visits. In the meantime I have got a further 6 days off work and the next phase of our lives will be getting into the routine of me going to work and Raina and Momma having their days together. I'm not looking forward to going back to work, I'm really going to miss Raina but I know that it'll be good for the three of us to get into some semblance of 'normal' life. X x x

Meeting the wider family pt2

Raina has been an absolute joy and we have had more visitors today...no tantrums and totally melting everyone's hearts. She is a very friendly little girl; she wanted to hold her Grandma and Grandad's hands and help them to put their shoes on so we could all go to the park.  It will be two weeks tomorrow since Raina came home and it feels like she had always been here and we couldn't imagine her not being here.  The first LAC review is taking place tomorrow and we feel that there are no major concerns to report.

Raina has been sleeping better and has done a couple of nights sleeping all the way through...It's a positive sign and she is much calmer in the days.  We saw a photograph of her taken during introductions and there are big bags under her eyes and she looks very red-eyed and exhausted.  When we look at her now, we don't see the same bags under her eyes and she looks fresh-faced.  We have been trying to get Raina into a routine of napping in the morning before lunch (we get a different / demonic child in the afternoon if she doesn't get a sleep in the day) and this has been working reasonably well. She did not take routine naps at her Foster Carers just fell asleep on the spot should she want it.

We are working on trying to keep her dry in the day if we can; cue frequent trips to the toilet.....we have noticed that she really enjoys this and especially hand-washing afterwards.  We are using this as a bit of an incentive; so if she does a wee on the toilet then she is then able to wash her hands (otherwise she just gets her hands cleaned with a wipe).  The next big challenge is the stinky presents she leaves us in her pull-up's (beautiful but stinky girl!!!)  I think she might be on the brink of changing her routine as she asked me today if she could smell her pooey knickers. I willingly obliged and placed them under her nose; as she said "errrrr yucky".  I looked her in the eyes (as I lovingly wiped her stinky bottom) and calmly said; "yes, that is very yuckky, but you can go in the toilet whenever you want to; just tell me or Mamma when you want to go."  I hope she remembers that and considers this option before too long.  She used to get bathed by her Foster Carer when she did a poo; but we just clean her up and send her on her way (shocking parenting!) so I think the fact that she can't be guaranteed her baths anymore will help us in our quest.

Can't believe I just wrote a few hundred words about sleep, wee and poo.  The joys of parenthood....is this what I have become?

Happy days

x x x

Meeting the wider family - part 1

This afternoon Raina experienced meeting some wider family members for the first time, when Grandma, Uncle and Aunty came over. We had prepped Raina all morning, showing the photographs of the three of them and asking her who was coming, to check she understood. Momma went off to pick them up from the train station and when she returned and the front door opened, Raina realised there were new people at the door and ran into my arms to be lifted up. She was shy at first and spent about 10 minutes hiding behind me or Momma, or wanting to be held in our arms. She warmed up quickly and enjoyed playing with the building blocks that she was given as a present. Raina was a little performer, making jokes, being the centre of attention and everyone's affection. Not even a sniff of a tantrum. It was so good for us to see her in the company of others and how well she managed it. It was good to see that she recognises us as her main carers, because there have been so many people in her life caring for her basic needs. She's only lived with us for a week and a bit; known us almost three weeks but its comforting to know she comes to us for her own comfort. She was still asking after everyone when they left and I told her that they had gone back to their own homes but that she would see them all soon. A peaceful bath time followed, plus a pain-free story and bed. What a good girl!!! X x

First trip to play group...

Yesterday we had breakfast and Raina played at home for the morning. After lunch we went off to Rainas first play group session at a local Children's Centre. We were the first parents there and the play session leader took some brief details from me. She asked my name and I told her and said I was Raina's Mummy. I told her that she had lived with us a week and we were hoping to adopt her. She was surprised by how confident Raina seemed. Ruth was standing at the door with another parent who had just walked in and play leader asked me "and who's that?". I said "that's Ruth, her other Mummy; she's got two Mummies". "oh", she said, "that's lovely" (big grin on her face). Raina loved it and the time flew by. She is really sociable and keen to be involved with other children. The play group leader really took a shine to Raina and it was reciprocated. We will be taking her back there again, but also intend on trying out another children's centre and getting into as many free sessions as possible! Today was a normal day....tantrums and tears and funny one liners. Today we have printed a photo book at a well known high-street photographic shop. It has photographs of the wider family members and our closest friends with labels saying who's who. Frankie is enjoying looking at it and we are using it as a tool to introduce her to people before she meets them in the flesh. Raina is waking up in the night (every night) and screaming; often saying things like "help me Mummy!"; when we go in she seems to be having bad dreams and is not fully awake. We are keeping an eye on it and a sleep diary to see if it improves over time. We have had a wonderful week and a bit with it being just the three of us. We are ready (and feel Raina is ready) to introduce her to some more family members, so have been arranging visits from family members. Tomorrow Grandma (Ruth's Mum) and Aunty and Uncle (Ruth's brother and girlfriend) are coming for lunch at our house. It will be wonderful for other family members to finally meet Raina, after so much anticipation and waiting. We cant wait to see what Raina makes of everyone. looking forward to it!! X x x