If you remember November 2012 (I think) Uncle Junior and Aunty Lamora offered to have Raina for the afternoon and take her to the Aquarium...amazing what 7 months of lessons teaches you. Well Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris this time offered to have Raina overnight and then following a lengthy conversation changed their minds to an initial day trip with them. Why would we delay an overnight childsitter????
Being a parent is not easy BUT being an Adoptive parent is a whole different level of pepper soup. There are things you do or your child does that you need to be 10 steps in front of. If your style is learn as you go then you are slowly killing any chance your family will have to move forward.
You need to do all the reading and absorbing of your childs history before you meet them. You need to know the author names and their books inside out - Dan Hughes, Heidi Argent, Bryan Post, Helen Oakwater, Louise Bomber - to name a few. You need to know about Post Adoption Depression, trauma and the body. The learning continues and doesn't stop. YES the birth parents of you out there are saying that this is no different to parenting a birth child. I don't expect you to get it. I have learnt that the only people that know and accept what I say and do are those that have fostered or adopted. I no longer argue or try to convert anyone about why I am 'strict'. The fact is that in each behaviour or emotion expressed by your adopted child there can be (and only you will know) an underlying issue that they need extra support in dealing with straightaway. It is for you as an adoptive parent to find out if that behaviour/emotion is age related or triggered by 'adoption'.
I'll give you an example to make sense of my waffling...I asked the nursery if they see a difference in Raina's behaviour during term time in comparison to holiday club. Their response is 'oh she is so energetic, running around, doing everything, talking a lot etc during term time but during holiday club she is very quiet in comparison, doesn't do as much but concentrates on the task she is doing etc. We think that the term time Raina is her natural state'. Hands up which learner you would expect to progress further in the UK school system. What someone sees as energetic is actually a little girl experiencing hyper arousal drawn from anxiety of not enough structure.
At home during term time Raina is a 'mess'. Always close to tears, lacks confidence, anxious. Come see her during half term or the weekend she is a different person.
This in short is what 7 months has taught us. We were told it at prep group but like all newbies didn't respect it enough. So this time when there is ever a slight change in our routine there is a long build up and long chat of repetitive words....
....I'll follow onto the next blog entry.
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