SO the simple words that my mum used to say to us 'you are going out with Aunty Simbo' is a long distance memory.
Below is the Raina blurb we sent to Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris - all in the aid that Raina feels safe inside as well as outside. This time around following an away time from us we did not experience unsettling behaviour, rejection, diarrhoea, a 2 hour screaming session just before bed it was real life family smooth runnings.
"In regards to caring for Raina;
Above all of what is below is that you talk about us (Mummy and Momma). On the face of it she will look fine but if you place your hand on her chest you will feel her heart beating really fast. Remember we came to collect her from someone she thought she was staying with forever. Let alone the other two times moved from birth parents and first foster care.
When you set off say "see you later house see you later mummy and momma we are going to legoland and will come back" get her to repeat it.
Later in the journey to and through out the day talk about how the day will be to her e.g. we are going to ....(we will have shown her photos) and we will be doing .... we will stop for lunch....then we will.... we will also have snacks and drinks....do some more....and then bring you back to mummy and momma. We will give her something of ours to look after and return to us. Apparently it encourages 'permanence'. Please refer to it by saying "oh when we take you back home you can give mummy or momma back her necklace"
The next most important thing is that you are consistent with what she can and can't do with you otherwise you are in for the most horrendously energetic day of your life...and we pay for it later. It will also unsettle her and she won’t feel safe.
Food: She eats a lot if not stopped. She will keep going and it will not be a case of when full she will stop but when sick she will be upset and want to eat more to replace. There is no inside stop button. As far as she is concerned you are not taking her back and she is not sure of when her next meal will be so best answer is to fill up now. Food is a security issue with children and it is further enhanced with children who have attachment issue/trauma etc. (Not as bad as it sounds).
Water: Give her water with lunch, she knows she needs to drink it and how much, don't let her try to tell you she doesn't or ask for something else. Any other drinks on top of that e.g. a juice or fruit shoot etc, come as an extra and not as a replacement for water later on in the day. No fizzes please.
Behaviours - she may regress due to anxiety (this will look like wanting to crawl, talk like a baby or be held) that is fine for the first 5 minutes but after that just say to her right "you are a big girl now and big girls get to do big things like running and jumping and nice talking with good talking words"
Toilet - she should be telling you when she needs to go. If she starts to not concentrate on what you are saying or looking like she is disassociating she needs the toilet. If you ask her if she needs the toilet and she says no thank you really quickly ask her to think about it and that when you start doing things there will be no other opportunity then ask her again. If its a number 2 she will either do the crying game or just gets on with it. Just say crying will not get you off the toilet and everyone poos. When she says she has finished tell her to do two more pushes - you count out loud. Hand her tissue she uses left hand to wipe and when she thinks she is finished you do a check wipe.
Speech - best of luck understanding her. I'm sure you will tune in. It is better. If you hear her saying "like that" or "like this" just give her the words and ask her to repeat it.
Manners - she should be using her p's and thank you's. don't be afraid to say no to her. Just follow it with why it is a "no" now. Not only is ‘no’ negative but it is very rejecting of a person so complete it with reasons or choices. She has had a heavy experience of rejection.
Tears - if telling her off don't look directly in her eyes if she is crying. If tears fall down then she is really upset. But if no tears she is trying to manipulate you. If she hurts herself she might tell you. Most of the time she doesn't feel the hurt so if you see it happen point out to her that oh did you just bang your ...
If she is sulking she will pretend to be hurt so to change the subject or make friends. Please don't allow her. Just tell her that it is not good behaviour and explain why you are upset and what she can do correct it - choices.
Wow!! It is not as bad as it reads. This is just a get to know Raina crammed into an email. Once she knows you stick to boundaries she won't try it on so much blah blah but then she is 3 years old.
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