Love is a funny concept, for some it takes time to develop with adopted children, for some it may not come for a very, very long time. I know other adopters who have struggled with loving their child, wracked with guilt that they haven't necessarily felt the feelings they 'should'. Not unlike post-natal depression, I know that post adoption depression is a reality for some adopters. I feel like this isn't 'out there' enough in the public domain of adoption, nor is it a reality that adoption services tell you much about.
I was thinking of this today and thinking how lucky I am, how lucky we are. I loved Raina from the moment I met her. When I look at her photograph I can feel my heart fluttering and when we play together, or when she makes me laugh, I feel like I am really alive. Raina has been with us for 18 months now and my attachment to her grows deeper everyday.
At night sometimes, as I put her to bed, we jokingly say 'love you', to then reply, 'love you more!'. But the fact is; I do love her more. I love her enough for the both of us. She is always wondering when we will be sending her away, when we will reject her. This is shown out through her behaviour and attachment to us everyday. In terms if settling in, we feel a deep anxiety in her everyday. But everyday, she relaxes a teeny tiny bit more, cue the development of her love for us.
Raina is just amazing and we are so proud of how far she has come.