If you remember November 2012 (I think) Uncle Junior and Aunty Lamora offered to have Raina for the afternoon and take her to the Aquarium...amazing what 7 months of lessons teaches you. Well Aunty Sarah and Uncle Chris this time offered to have Raina overnight and then following a lengthy conversation changed their minds to an initial day trip with them. Why would we delay an overnight childsitter????
Being a parent is not easy BUT being an Adoptive parent is a whole different level of pepper soup. There are things you do or your child does that you need to be 10 steps in front of. If your style is learn as you go then you are slowly killing any chance your family will have to move forward.
You need to do all the reading and absorbing of your childs history before you meet them. You need to know the author names and their books inside out - Dan Hughes, Heidi Argent, Bryan Post, Helen Oakwater, Louise Bomber - to name a few. You need to know about Post Adoption Depression, trauma and the body. The learning continues and doesn't stop. YES the birth parents of you out there are saying that this is no different to parenting a birth child. I don't expect you to get it. I have learnt that the only people that know and accept what I say and do are those that have fostered or adopted. I no longer argue or try to convert anyone about why I am 'strict'. The fact is that in each behaviour or emotion expressed by your adopted child there can be (and only you will know) an underlying issue that they need extra support in dealing with straightaway. It is for you as an adoptive parent to find out if that behaviour/emotion is age related or triggered by 'adoption'.
I'll give you an example to make sense of my waffling...I asked the nursery if they see a difference in Raina's behaviour during term time in comparison to holiday club. Their response is 'oh she is so energetic, running around, doing everything, talking a lot etc during term time but during holiday club she is very quiet in comparison, doesn't do as much but concentrates on the task she is doing etc. We think that the term time Raina is her natural state'. Hands up which learner you would expect to progress further in the UK school system. What someone sees as energetic is actually a little girl experiencing hyper arousal drawn from anxiety of not enough structure.
At home during term time Raina is a 'mess'. Always close to tears, lacks confidence, anxious. Come see her during half term or the weekend she is a different person.
This in short is what 7 months has taught us. We were told it at prep group but like all newbies didn't respect it enough. So this time when there is ever a slight change in our routine there is a long build up and long chat of repetitive words....
....I'll follow onto the next blog entry.
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
Not Goodbye...
Just noticed that Hannah posted the last blog with a Goodbye. It is not Goodbye at all but just that the post will not be as frequent as they used to be. Life is on a level family road so not as much to chat about.
So see you now and then....
So see you now and then....
Sunday, 2 June 2013
One Year: Adoption Order: Goodbye For Now!
A week, or so ago, we had a very special and memorable occasion. It was the Pronouncement Hearing at the Family Court for Raina's Adoption Order. It happened to fall on the same day as the 12 month anniversary of the day we first met her...we can read the blog from that day and it brings those emotions flooding back to us. The Social Workers, Momma and I were crying tears of joy as we became an official family.
So we are signing off from this blog for now...we have been very poor at blogging updates; but actually we never intended for this to be a blow-by-blow, daily or weekly account of our family life....
When we do look back over the last year; our first as a Family, we simply cannot describe the rollercoaster that has been our lives.
That little girl, who was just two years old when we first heard about her in 2011; saw her in a photograph in 2012 and finally met last May. That little girl who we had imagined walking around our home, sleeping in our home, calling us Mummy and Momma. That girl, is now officially our daughter, we share the same surname and we are a Family.
We have wiped her tears; blood, vomit etc; mopped her brow in the midst of a fever; fed her; held her when she's been scared; disciplined her when she's tested our boundaries; taught her new words and her alphabet; watched her grow out of her clothes and laughed together when she's made a joke.
We love her. We are still getting to know her and she is learning to trust us. She feels anxious when one, or both of us are seperated from her. This will be a theme for our lives together, as I am sure it is for all adopted children and their adoptive families. She is growing up; she's almost four years old now. She's learning new things everyday and we feel priviledged and blessed to be witness to this. Integrated and embedded within all of this is her adopted status and each day we help her to make sense of this of her her story. It would be so easy to slip this under the emotional carpet, but never would this be fair to our daughter.
We have travlled one heck of an emotional journey and made some great new friends through the process. It's helped us both to learn more about ourselves and being parents has bestowed upon us both the greatest sense of purpose. We don't expect this to be easy; by definition the world of adoption is hard. We don't know what kind of people we, or Raina will grow to become but we will always know that we care, protect and nurture her and that we are a Family.
To anyone considering adoption and wondering whether it could happen for them: Believe me; it can.
So we are signing off from this blog for now...we have been very poor at blogging updates; but actually we never intended for this to be a blow-by-blow, daily or weekly account of our family life....
When we do look back over the last year; our first as a Family, we simply cannot describe the rollercoaster that has been our lives.
That little girl, who was just two years old when we first heard about her in 2011; saw her in a photograph in 2012 and finally met last May. That little girl who we had imagined walking around our home, sleeping in our home, calling us Mummy and Momma. That girl, is now officially our daughter, we share the same surname and we are a Family.
We have wiped her tears; blood, vomit etc; mopped her brow in the midst of a fever; fed her; held her when she's been scared; disciplined her when she's tested our boundaries; taught her new words and her alphabet; watched her grow out of her clothes and laughed together when she's made a joke.
We love her. We are still getting to know her and she is learning to trust us. She feels anxious when one, or both of us are seperated from her. This will be a theme for our lives together, as I am sure it is for all adopted children and their adoptive families. She is growing up; she's almost four years old now. She's learning new things everyday and we feel priviledged and blessed to be witness to this. Integrated and embedded within all of this is her adopted status and each day we help her to make sense of this of her her story. It would be so easy to slip this under the emotional carpet, but never would this be fair to our daughter.
We have travlled one heck of an emotional journey and made some great new friends through the process. It's helped us both to learn more about ourselves and being parents has bestowed upon us both the greatest sense of purpose. We don't expect this to be easy; by definition the world of adoption is hard. We don't know what kind of people we, or Raina will grow to become but we will always know that we care, protect and nurture her and that we are a Family.
To anyone considering adoption and wondering whether it could happen for them: Believe me; it can.
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